Thanks for sharing. I’m still disconnected from society and will be for at least 4 more years. Thats when my kiddo graduates and we can move from the isolated town we live in. That’s another story on top of the isolation from the menopause I think. But anyway, the clothes have always been an issue for me. I go into the dressing room with 20 things and just hope I can come out with 1 thing that actually fits my body. I blame the clothes industry for not making enough things for all the different body types.
Agree also with the menopausal aspect. It looks like both of us went through menopausal transition during the pandemic. Mine started in July 2020. So we are dealing with that too.
You are right with clothes. They suck! I was stick thin but never had a super thin waist growing up. They need to make stylish clothing for women are age that aren't frumpy. It's all geared to rail thin 19 years-old models. I feel bad for teens. No one is built like that!
"shoulda, woulda, coulda". My counselor told me to eliminate those words from my vocabulary. They infer guilt, shame, and dread. She was right. I watch how I talk to myself now. I practice being nice to myself and learn the foreign language of self care. And I, too, am in full menopause, belly and all....hot flashes 8 to 12 times a day. I work out 3-4 times a week. I'm trying to take care of me because now, I'm in management mode. I'll never be 30 again....or 50! 😂😂 I think, "it's not a heart, and it's not a liver." All this takes a great deal of self-awareness that in itself can be exhausting. Hang in there...you are far from alone!
Thanks Susan! Those words really are shame driven. I think so many of us don't realize the words we say to ourselves. I'm trying. It is a lot of work. I am the year past menopausal line , but still have symptoms. Hot flashes ugh. I heard they can last for years after 😞
Oh yes...a LOT of work! I think I still work on my thoughts and behaviors every day. She told me it was like learning a foreign language.... that I had to practice everyday. I'm trying a new cream recommended by a friend for hot flashes... it comes tomorrow. Emerita by Life-flo Pro-Gest Balancing Cream - Progesterone Cream for Women - Original Balancing Cream with USP Progesterone from Wild Yam. Fingers crossed! ❤️
It's never helpful to "should" all over yourself. It just leads to shame and feeling miserable. It's so frustrating to lose weight then gain it back. My problem is I don't know why either happens, it seems so random. Sometimes it comes off, sometimes it stays on. No real changes can explain it.
Maybe? I know sometimes there are hot flashes and sometimes no, but I usually attribute that to sugar intake. The weight going up and down has baffled me. I don't really do anything differently.
I never thought of sugar intake. Makes sense. Usually happens in evening for me. I cut back on sugar (it's only been a week) definitely feeling better and less flashes. Coincidence?
This is a great piece, Jane. This is the sad reality for a lot of women.. feeling like we aren’t good enough because of things we can’t even meticulously control.
Your story is very relatable, though we are at very different stages of life. I was a D2 college athlete that exercised upwards of 20 hours per week. Now that I’m graduated and don’t have the resources or time to work out like I used to, I’ve been feeling that deep disappointment of how I look. You’re right, not enough people talk about the feeling of gaining weight back after you’d been in good shape. No one told me that my body would change, become softer and less muscular, after college. It’s hard. But I guess that’s just how things are. And this is just how we feel. We are feeling it together ❤️
Remember there is so much more to us than how we look! We are a lot more powerful than we think. And we have a lot to offer regardless of how we change with age.
Thanks Elaine! It is normal to feel this way. You're right!! No one tells you about the changes. I was running and doing aerobic yoga before I ended up with osteoarthrosis and a shredded meniscus. I also have tendonitis. No one tells women about this they say exercise and keep weight off. There is in no talk about how our tendons and ligaments thicken and we are more prone to injury. That part is painful emotionally and physically. Accepting limits are heart breaking. I'm doing pt for shoulders and knees. I'm building some muscle that way. My husband noticed too so a plus. Still everything shifts 😪
Thank you, Jane, I so relate to your story. When pre-menopause kicked in, I gained 30 pounds in one year or so, without being able to stop it. One day, I did a blood test and saw one of my result was a little high. I asked my physician what it was and she told me I was eating too much sugar and not exercising enough. I’m not a sweet tooth so I wondered what kind of sugar I was eating too much. It turns out pasta was my greatest enemy. I cut it out of my cooking and put vegetables in my every meal. I lost my 30 pounds in 6 months, but don’t mistake me, I still have my after birth put-on weight, most of it migrating from my bum to my belly at menopause. After a quest for pants that fit my new Botticelli silhouette, I found one store chain in Europe that sells ideal pants for 50ish women’s lavish bodies: C&A. And I love shorts! So, one day, I thought to myself, what the heck! I know my thighs are heavy with cellulite and there’s nothing much I can do about it and I looooooove shorts! So I wear shorts all summer long and if people think they don’t fit me, I don’t care, I don’t fancy to have sex with them either!
To address the « should » issue, during my first therapy, I’ve discovered that most of mine weren’t even mine but my mother’s. I’ve written a quite funny text about it on my blog if you want to read it: https://www.g-spotlight.org/the-i-have-to-book-of-law/
Just remember, we’re changing all the time, it’s part of our human experience but we remain perfect in every way, no matter what. So, Jane, you are a perfect beautiful creature, don’t let your eyes and your mind tell you otherwise, listen to your heart, only it knows. Lots of love.
Thanks Geraldine! I'm looking forward to reading your article. It's funny you said the rapid weight gain premenopause. It happened to me and I was stress eating. Lots of sugar. The year I hit menopause I decided to lose weight and the calorie cutting was extreme but I dropped 25lbs maybe more in a few months. I don't recommend that to anyone for various reasons. I've gained back 7 - 10 lbs but it feels like 30 in my eyes. My weight is distributed differently with meno and that's hard. I've gained muscle weight with physical therapy for arthritis and now shoulder tendinitis. My husband noticed that too (more tones) I think it's better to focus on being strong and mobility. As far as shorts. Some of the most beautiful women I see are not like a super model. Who is? They own what they wear and are confident. I want that!!
Weight is a very tricky thing. For half my life, I thought I was too fat. I was 5’40 feet tall for a weight between 110 and 120 pounds which is not fat at all. That was just a symptom of the fact that I didn’t love myself: I was never beautiful enough, thin enough, perfect enough so how could anybody love me... After my pregnancy, I just let go and, weird enough, when I gained my 30 pounds at pre-menopause, I felt great except I started to have knees issues. Now that I’m back to a « normal » weight, I still don’t see myself as I am, my 51 year old self. I see myself as I was in my 15, that’s how I automatically picture me when I walk or dance because that was a period, probably the only one until now, when I felt great in my body and thought it was gorgeous.
There’s a scene in Matrix when Neo and Morpheus are in a simulator and Neo says that he doesn’t appear in the simulation as he looks in real life and Morpheus answers him he looks as his mind sees him. We generally don’t see ourselves as we really are, beautiful perfect creatures, but as a comparaison to what we think we should be (frankly, according to whom?).
Let me tell you a secret: I am a phenomenal woman because that’s who I choose to be every morning, true or not. And I am very sure you are a phenomenal woman too! Lots of love.
What's really helped me during menopause is intentional and careful use of plant medicine (aka psychedelics). Microdosing psilocybin helped open up my creative channel. I never used to write and now it flows out of me all the time. Ayahuasca ceremonies totally changed my perspective on menopause. I now am excited about this next phase of my life. I see midlife women as having an important role in the healing of this planet. Society has us thinking that we're all washed up because we don't have a 20-yr-old summer bod. But who care? We have wisdom, resources, experience, knowledge that we didn't at 20. We can be the leaders, the mentors, the truth tellers, the whistle blowers, the lovers, fights, activists for the next generation. Society, media, patriarchy has got us midlife women distracted, focusing on bullshit, false narratives, and fake news when in actually we are goddesses, empresses, queens. Love you
Thank you. You're right! This new phase of life IS exciting. We are facing so much BS in from society and that distracts is. Emperresses. Love that!! Thanks so much for reading, Julie and taking time to respond. I truly appreciate it 🙏
I have given up. But I am glad. I’m forty now, but in my early twenties I was a dynamo. 2 jobs. Waitress and retail. Volunteered. Took college courses. Got married. Got a degree and became an anthropologist. Got in a car wreck at 26. Triggered Fibromyalgia. But my doctor kept putting it off as depression and vitamin deficiency. Gave me a Xanax rx and said it was a pain pill. The pharmacist warned me. Doc overprescribed me and I ended up in the er and she lost her license. So for 14 years I have been dealing with increasing disability. World stopped on March 13th 2020. I got vivid twice. Now have chronic fatigue syndrome. 😂 So I have given up, and I pace myself by taking each day as it comes. No energy to ruminate on the past. No energy to fixate on the future. Fortunately (or unfortunately-?) I only have enough energy to be in the present. Today this body will function as it must. And I will deal with the day. And it will be beautiful.
I'm so sorry Ashe that you are dealing with all of that. Fibro and Chronic fatigue are so tough on their own to deal with. Most of my 20s and 30 I dealt with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibro. It's a frustrating illness. I searched for years for an answer it happened after I had mono in my early 20s. Ironically when I got pregnant at 38 the symptoms went away! Then menopause at 51. I think I had the most energy in my 40s. They are good years. I know it's hard to see it now. I hope you feel better. I was at the point where if I could feel 10% better it was enough. It's not easy and both are invisible illnesses
Sharing my writings here and getting back to my artwork have been lifesavers. Ironically my friends are starting to ask for specific works and they’re paying for them. So who knows what this chapter holds? 😂
I’ve done tapestry/fabric art for friends to put over their couches. Ive painted a few pictures, done some collage. Right now I’m working on a painting of a Pekingese dog wearing a hat for my good friends non verbal nephew 😂 I do it all really. I love all mediums except oil paints 😂
Oh I forgot to mention that the first round of Covid triggered brittle diabetes and while I finally got the booty I always wanted, I got the pooch in the front to match 😂 sheesh
I'm so sorry about diabetes. Covid does a number on people. My husband and I had covid in January and soon after that he was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease. I don't think it was a coincidence
I always wanted to have more of a booty and hips!! Most men love curves!
Hearing and sympathising with you on all levels, Jane. I've been through the main menopause a number of years ago now but still feel that sense of disconnection you mentioned. It's like waking up one day is someone else's body and trying to figure out what clothes fit me now and who I'm supposed to be. The person staring back at me in the mirror is still a bit of a mystery that I'm trying to get to know again. So you're not alone, always know that, and sharing our stories is some of the best medicine.
Thanks so much. Sharing really is the best medicine. I didn't realized the symptoms of menopause could be disconnect and it makes sense. Thanks again for commenting and taking time to read my article
Waking up to life in all its awe-inspiring glory and horror is amazing, but you get yer good days and your bad days while most others keep sleepwalking along.
Thanks for sharing. I’m still disconnected from society and will be for at least 4 more years. Thats when my kiddo graduates and we can move from the isolated town we live in. That’s another story on top of the isolation from the menopause I think. But anyway, the clothes have always been an issue for me. I go into the dressing room with 20 things and just hope I can come out with 1 thing that actually fits my body. I blame the clothes industry for not making enough things for all the different body types.
Agree also with the menopausal aspect. It looks like both of us went through menopausal transition during the pandemic. Mine started in July 2020. So we are dealing with that too.
You are right with clothes. They suck! I was stick thin but never had a super thin waist growing up. They need to make stylish clothing for women are age that aren't frumpy. It's all geared to rail thin 19 years-old models. I feel bad for teens. No one is built like that!
"shoulda, woulda, coulda". My counselor told me to eliminate those words from my vocabulary. They infer guilt, shame, and dread. She was right. I watch how I talk to myself now. I practice being nice to myself and learn the foreign language of self care. And I, too, am in full menopause, belly and all....hot flashes 8 to 12 times a day. I work out 3-4 times a week. I'm trying to take care of me because now, I'm in management mode. I'll never be 30 again....or 50! 😂😂 I think, "it's not a heart, and it's not a liver." All this takes a great deal of self-awareness that in itself can be exhausting. Hang in there...you are far from alone!
Thanks Susan! Those words really are shame driven. I think so many of us don't realize the words we say to ourselves. I'm trying. It is a lot of work. I am the year past menopausal line , but still have symptoms. Hot flashes ugh. I heard they can last for years after 😞
Oh yes...a LOT of work! I think I still work on my thoughts and behaviors every day. She told me it was like learning a foreign language.... that I had to practice everyday. I'm trying a new cream recommended by a friend for hot flashes... it comes tomorrow. Emerita by Life-flo Pro-Gest Balancing Cream - Progesterone Cream for Women - Original Balancing Cream with USP Progesterone from Wild Yam. Fingers crossed! ❤️
Let me know how the cream works. I'll try anything
I should say yes even when I don’t want to and if I say no I should explain why it is no.
It is so freeing when I say no and do not explain.
SO true! It is freeing. I need to remember that. Thanks for reading and commenting
It's never helpful to "should" all over yourself. It just leads to shame and feeling miserable. It's so frustrating to lose weight then gain it back. My problem is I don't know why either happens, it seems so random. Sometimes it comes off, sometimes it stays on. No real changes can explain it.
Thanks for understanding. It is a frustrating of menopause and it is random. Hormones?
Maybe? I know sometimes there are hot flashes and sometimes no, but I usually attribute that to sugar intake. The weight going up and down has baffled me. I don't really do anything differently.
I never thought of sugar intake. Makes sense. Usually happens in evening for me. I cut back on sugar (it's only been a week) definitely feeling better and less flashes. Coincidence?
Sugar and alcohol typically make them worse. I don't think it's a coincidence.
Yes! I can't handle high fructose anything anymore. Just as well
This is a great piece, Jane. This is the sad reality for a lot of women.. feeling like we aren’t good enough because of things we can’t even meticulously control.
Your story is very relatable, though we are at very different stages of life. I was a D2 college athlete that exercised upwards of 20 hours per week. Now that I’m graduated and don’t have the resources or time to work out like I used to, I’ve been feeling that deep disappointment of how I look. You’re right, not enough people talk about the feeling of gaining weight back after you’d been in good shape. No one told me that my body would change, become softer and less muscular, after college. It’s hard. But I guess that’s just how things are. And this is just how we feel. We are feeling it together ❤️
Remember there is so much more to us than how we look! We are a lot more powerful than we think. And we have a lot to offer regardless of how we change with age.
Thanks Elaine! It is normal to feel this way. You're right!! No one tells you about the changes. I was running and doing aerobic yoga before I ended up with osteoarthrosis and a shredded meniscus. I also have tendonitis. No one tells women about this they say exercise and keep weight off. There is in no talk about how our tendons and ligaments thicken and we are more prone to injury. That part is painful emotionally and physically. Accepting limits are heart breaking. I'm doing pt for shoulders and knees. I'm building some muscle that way. My husband noticed too so a plus. Still everything shifts 😪
This happens at all ages and I forget sometimes. We are all feeling this together. Thanks for your perspective
Thank you, Jane, I so relate to your story. When pre-menopause kicked in, I gained 30 pounds in one year or so, without being able to stop it. One day, I did a blood test and saw one of my result was a little high. I asked my physician what it was and she told me I was eating too much sugar and not exercising enough. I’m not a sweet tooth so I wondered what kind of sugar I was eating too much. It turns out pasta was my greatest enemy. I cut it out of my cooking and put vegetables in my every meal. I lost my 30 pounds in 6 months, but don’t mistake me, I still have my after birth put-on weight, most of it migrating from my bum to my belly at menopause. After a quest for pants that fit my new Botticelli silhouette, I found one store chain in Europe that sells ideal pants for 50ish women’s lavish bodies: C&A. And I love shorts! So, one day, I thought to myself, what the heck! I know my thighs are heavy with cellulite and there’s nothing much I can do about it and I looooooove shorts! So I wear shorts all summer long and if people think they don’t fit me, I don’t care, I don’t fancy to have sex with them either!
To address the « should » issue, during my first therapy, I’ve discovered that most of mine weren’t even mine but my mother’s. I’ve written a quite funny text about it on my blog if you want to read it: https://www.g-spotlight.org/the-i-have-to-book-of-law/
Just remember, we’re changing all the time, it’s part of our human experience but we remain perfect in every way, no matter what. So, Jane, you are a perfect beautiful creature, don’t let your eyes and your mind tell you otherwise, listen to your heart, only it knows. Lots of love.
Thanks Geraldine! I'm looking forward to reading your article. It's funny you said the rapid weight gain premenopause. It happened to me and I was stress eating. Lots of sugar. The year I hit menopause I decided to lose weight and the calorie cutting was extreme but I dropped 25lbs maybe more in a few months. I don't recommend that to anyone for various reasons. I've gained back 7 - 10 lbs but it feels like 30 in my eyes. My weight is distributed differently with meno and that's hard. I've gained muscle weight with physical therapy for arthritis and now shoulder tendinitis. My husband noticed that too (more tones) I think it's better to focus on being strong and mobility. As far as shorts. Some of the most beautiful women I see are not like a super model. Who is? They own what they wear and are confident. I want that!!
Weight is a very tricky thing. For half my life, I thought I was too fat. I was 5’40 feet tall for a weight between 110 and 120 pounds which is not fat at all. That was just a symptom of the fact that I didn’t love myself: I was never beautiful enough, thin enough, perfect enough so how could anybody love me... After my pregnancy, I just let go and, weird enough, when I gained my 30 pounds at pre-menopause, I felt great except I started to have knees issues. Now that I’m back to a « normal » weight, I still don’t see myself as I am, my 51 year old self. I see myself as I was in my 15, that’s how I automatically picture me when I walk or dance because that was a period, probably the only one until now, when I felt great in my body and thought it was gorgeous.
There’s a scene in Matrix when Neo and Morpheus are in a simulator and Neo says that he doesn’t appear in the simulation as he looks in real life and Morpheus answers him he looks as his mind sees him. We generally don’t see ourselves as we really are, beautiful perfect creatures, but as a comparaison to what we think we should be (frankly, according to whom?).
Let me tell you a secret: I am a phenomenal woman because that’s who I choose to be every morning, true or not. And I am very sure you are a phenomenal woman too! Lots of love.
What's really helped me during menopause is intentional and careful use of plant medicine (aka psychedelics). Microdosing psilocybin helped open up my creative channel. I never used to write and now it flows out of me all the time. Ayahuasca ceremonies totally changed my perspective on menopause. I now am excited about this next phase of my life. I see midlife women as having an important role in the healing of this planet. Society has us thinking that we're all washed up because we don't have a 20-yr-old summer bod. But who care? We have wisdom, resources, experience, knowledge that we didn't at 20. We can be the leaders, the mentors, the truth tellers, the whistle blowers, the lovers, fights, activists for the next generation. Society, media, patriarchy has got us midlife women distracted, focusing on bullshit, false narratives, and fake news when in actually we are goddesses, empresses, queens. Love you
Thank you. You're right! This new phase of life IS exciting. We are facing so much BS in from society and that distracts is. Emperresses. Love that!! Thanks so much for reading, Julie and taking time to respond. I truly appreciate it 🙏
I have given up. But I am glad. I’m forty now, but in my early twenties I was a dynamo. 2 jobs. Waitress and retail. Volunteered. Took college courses. Got married. Got a degree and became an anthropologist. Got in a car wreck at 26. Triggered Fibromyalgia. But my doctor kept putting it off as depression and vitamin deficiency. Gave me a Xanax rx and said it was a pain pill. The pharmacist warned me. Doc overprescribed me and I ended up in the er and she lost her license. So for 14 years I have been dealing with increasing disability. World stopped on March 13th 2020. I got vivid twice. Now have chronic fatigue syndrome. 😂 So I have given up, and I pace myself by taking each day as it comes. No energy to ruminate on the past. No energy to fixate on the future. Fortunately (or unfortunately-?) I only have enough energy to be in the present. Today this body will function as it must. And I will deal with the day. And it will be beautiful.
I'm so sorry Ashe that you are dealing with all of that. Fibro and Chronic fatigue are so tough on their own to deal with. Most of my 20s and 30 I dealt with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibro. It's a frustrating illness. I searched for years for an answer it happened after I had mono in my early 20s. Ironically when I got pregnant at 38 the symptoms went away! Then menopause at 51. I think I had the most energy in my 40s. They are good years. I know it's hard to see it now. I hope you feel better. I was at the point where if I could feel 10% better it was enough. It's not easy and both are invisible illnesses
Sharing my writings here and getting back to my artwork have been lifesavers. Ironically my friends are starting to ask for specific works and they’re paying for them. So who knows what this chapter holds? 😂
That's awesome! What kind of artwork do you create?
I have a post about some of them. I take pictures too!
That's great!
I’ve done tapestry/fabric art for friends to put over their couches. Ive painted a few pictures, done some collage. Right now I’m working on a painting of a Pekingese dog wearing a hat for my good friends non verbal nephew 😂 I do it all really. I love all mediums except oil paints 😂
How cool! You'll have to post when your finished
Oh I forgot to mention that the first round of Covid triggered brittle diabetes and while I finally got the booty I always wanted, I got the pooch in the front to match 😂 sheesh
I'm so sorry about diabetes. Covid does a number on people. My husband and I had covid in January and soon after that he was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease. I don't think it was a coincidence
I always wanted to have more of a booty and hips!! Most men love curves!
Jane, It seems you've gone a long into self-acceptance! How wonderful.
I'm trying. I'm working at it every day. I have to remind myself that growth isn't linear
Jane, It seems you've gone a long into self-acceptance! How wonderful.
Hearing and sympathising with you on all levels, Jane. I've been through the main menopause a number of years ago now but still feel that sense of disconnection you mentioned. It's like waking up one day is someone else's body and trying to figure out what clothes fit me now and who I'm supposed to be. The person staring back at me in the mirror is still a bit of a mystery that I'm trying to get to know again. So you're not alone, always know that, and sharing our stories is some of the best medicine.
Thanks so much. Sharing really is the best medicine. I didn't realized the symptoms of menopause could be disconnect and it makes sense. Thanks again for commenting and taking time to read my article
Thanks for your restack
It’s comfortable to sleepwalk through life.
Waking up to life in all its awe-inspiring glory and horror is amazing, but you get yer good days and your bad days while most others keep sleepwalking along.
It is. It's inspiring until you see the world went on with out you. I feel like many of us are that way since the pandemic.