This is how I feel
Ignoring the "shoulds" and "should nots"
A menopausal mom on a mission
Today I will find something that fits! It will transform me! I will wear it proudly, I told myself one Sunday afternoon. I pulled on my ill-fitting yoga pants and t shirt. I was a menopausal mom on a mission
I felt hopeful in the first store as I walked proudly to the dressing room with my treasures. These pants will be it! I tried on the first pair, turned sideways, and the pooch was there.
The mirror was my enemy or was it myself?
Maybe the next will be a charm. I decided. I’ll go up a size. The white pants were too big in the waist, they were ok. I wanted more than ok. I tried on the rest then tried them on again. The mirror was the enemy. I was my own enemy. I was spiraling. I remembered last summer after I lost weight, and I actually liked the way clothes looked on me. No one ever talks about the heartbreak of when the weight comes back on.
I handed my clothes to the kind older woman in the dressing room. “Any luck?” She asked.
I said “No.” and shook my head in defeat. I could feel my voice crack and tears well in my eyes. I turned and looked away, but I think she saw my pain. She was old enough to be my mother. I wished for a moment she was.
When in doubt, buy another black tank top
At the next store I tried on more clothes and this time what were smaller sizes were larger on me. I guess you can’t go by the size. Sizes are all relative.
I walked out of the store with a black and a pink tank top. When in doubt, buy more of the basics that are already in my closet.
It’s ok not to feel ok
As I drove home, I felt guilty about my insecurities. Then I heard a song that changed that. It was about a woman who felt her world was falling apart. The simple words, “This is how I feel,” said it all
She wasn't apologizing for how she felt. She was heartbroken. She felt shamed. She admitted she was a mess, and it was OK
I felt free for a moment. I thought of all the “You shouldn’t feel that way” comments that I’ve heard and tell myself. I hurt. I struggle. They are valid feelings.
It’s also hard to feel disconnected to the world and not know how to get back into it. I can turn the pain against myself and sometimes it’s my body.
Disconnection. It wasn’t about those extra pounds
It comes back to that. Disconnection. It was Sunday. We used to go to church. I tried to go back a few times by myself. I think feeling lonely in a room full of people is the worst. It’s time to move on. Maybe I am the one that has changed and maybe that’s why I’m not sure where I fit now
I was asleep…
I was asleep and now I'm awake. So much of my life didn’t wait for me. I'm learning that now and it hurts. I'm floating now as I try to find the perfect fit as I bounce in and out of stores. I will not find it externally. I can accept that this is how I feel. There are no room for the “shoulds” in my life now. They can stay with the pile of clothes in the dressing room.
Question:
What “should’s” have you told yourself?
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Thanks for sharing. I’m still disconnected from society and will be for at least 4 more years. Thats when my kiddo graduates and we can move from the isolated town we live in. That’s another story on top of the isolation from the menopause I think. But anyway, the clothes have always been an issue for me. I go into the dressing room with 20 things and just hope I can come out with 1 thing that actually fits my body. I blame the clothes industry for not making enough things for all the different body types.
"shoulda, woulda, coulda". My counselor told me to eliminate those words from my vocabulary. They infer guilt, shame, and dread. She was right. I watch how I talk to myself now. I practice being nice to myself and learn the foreign language of self care. And I, too, am in full menopause, belly and all....hot flashes 8 to 12 times a day. I work out 3-4 times a week. I'm trying to take care of me because now, I'm in management mode. I'll never be 30 again....or 50! 😂😂 I think, "it's not a heart, and it's not a liver." All this takes a great deal of self-awareness that in itself can be exhausting. Hang in there...you are far from alone!