Your article could have been about me, Jane. We seem to have led closely parallel childhoods. I'm a lot older than you are, but I recognized myself in so many points along the way. I'm fascinated. Thank you for sharing.
My teacher put me into the hall about 9:30am because of my chattering, just like you. Chatty Kathy! She forgot about me, and I hid around the corner when the class filed out for lunch and recess. A boy named Robby spotted me about 3:00pm. She called my mother to apologize. I was just embarrassed!!
Well, it was better than adderall or Ritalin! I think it would be cheaper and easier to just give the teachers Valium!! ( sorry mom, brothe, grandma, and grandpa- teachers all!)
Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart, photos and story. I was a full blown bulimic by age 11. I spent most of my life at war with my own body and mind and the choices I made as a result of the thoughts I believed were true about me (which weren't) deeply hurt those around me who loved me the most (my 2 boys.) I just turned 50.
I'm not sure why shame was used as a tool to shape little minds back then but my mother used it as one of her go-to methods. I have come to understand her mother did the same, as did her mother, and her mother before her...and on up my lineage it goes for hundreds of years.
It's such a gift that the shame stopped and the healing began with me. I get to leave something different behind in this world for my boys. I still have days, as well all do, that stretch my spirit and push my soul past it's limits, but in that there is comfort because I know on the other side there will be growth, and now I have no problem identifying that little girl inside who was never kept safe by a woman who couldn't even keep herself safe, who didn't even know the meaning of safety (physical, emotional, and psychological.) I can turn to her today, at any point in time, and wrap my arms lovingly around her and LOVE her, hold her, and keep showing up for her in all the ways she should have been parented as a little girl all those years ago. I've got her. The portions of me that have healed, band together, they show up, wrap around her...and they've got her. ❤️🔥🙏
Thanks you so much for your kind words and sharing your experience with us. It's empowering to know that with awareness the shame and abuse cycle passed down can stop with us and with YOU. The awareness brings pain as we heal.
I'm sorry to hear about your eating disorder. So young and so many are affected. I used to be shamed for being too thin, but in that one photo I thought I was fat. I think I was 5. Where would I get that idea at 5? Children listen to our comments. I try to becareful with what I say
Thank you Jane, for sharing your story and vulnerability as well. I believe that’s the beginning of healing. This was such a beautifully courageous open-hearted piece, I’m so grateful to have connected.
I was too thin as a child. Funny looking. All the perfect features but on the wrong face. Whatever that means. I asked too many questions. Too many questions for people that lied as easy as they breathed perhaps. Buck teeth. Big forehead. My preschool teacher was physically abusive. I talked in class because I was done with my work. And bored. So I was expected to sit quietly. Not draw. Not write poems or short stories. Just sit. At home was the same. Just go play alone but not too loudly. I was ridiculed by kids and teachers until i left school at 17. Sigh. I’m better now. But oof
I'm so sorry you went through all of that. It's so hard and it doesn't matter how many years go by. I used to get the too skinny thing. Skeleton, bones, tooth pick. You name it. I tried to gain weight and it wasn't until I was in my early 30s that I could keep weight on. Skinny shaming is hurtful too. It's a sin that teachers were part of it too.
Jane, I had all the same insults that you had. You had it bad, but my own father tried to ridicule me.
"We know you're not as smart as your (name excluded) brother, we don't expect the same thinking from you."
Years later, my brother was convicted for petrol bombing a house, stealing and cashing fraudulent checks ?
He is now 46yrs old and still unemployed, with no income, still leaving of my father. Worst still he lives of MY MOTHER !
My brother was a loser, then and still is a loser. My father lost, when he made that comment.....I saw through them at 14yrs old....People should be very careful about what the say to anyone.....Time is a healer - Time is also an avenger !
I'm so sorry you had to deal with it at home and at school. Comparing to a sibling too. It sounds like you were and are the stronger one, and had to develope yourself and your independence but it doesn't make it easier
You are so right about ADHD back then and before then . Have i ever been bullied a lot . was I ever a bully have to say yes for awhile to stay alive .Did i ever pick on woman no no no . That is completely wrong in my book . Great article Jane , I am sure with your heart you were and are a butterfly , The same as C.J Heck . hugs and peace
Thank you. I have been on both sides of bullying. Not proud of it either. I wish I could change, but can't. I think many go along with the crowd and try to make people laugh as cruel as it sounds. They have no idea the pain they cause
It's so hard when the abuser is yourself. Been there... I'm so glad you are starting to give Little Jane the love and acknowledgement that she so rightly deserves. I wonder how our lives would've been different had we not been punished for ADHD (lots of talking) or anxiety (never talking) when in school. At least we can live ourselves now. Please give Little Jane a hug for me. She sounds awesome.
Thanks so much Janine. I think it would've been different if we were in school now. Children have more supports in place. A few of the teachers I had were strict and bullies themselves. I was in a fire when I was in 1st grade and my family was displaced. I think that's why I so emotional. Just put her out in the hall. There was no therapy back then. My whole family could've used it
Nope. No way they would've but it was the 70s. What was mental health and trauma for anyone back then let alone a child. I'm glad I can see it all for what it was. The education, training and mental health resources weren't in place then and still are lacking in that area
Loving that sweet inner-child requires SO much strength and inner-work. Well done for journeying back to yourself! The initial layers require working through the external judgements but then rewiring the inner judgements they led to can be the extremely tough part.
It’s taken me years to do and funnily enough, a breakup was the catalyst to realise that it’s only by seeing and truly accepting all of the things you are/were criticised for and loving all parts equally that we can accept ourselves and realise, “I was always enough”.
Your article could have been about me, Jane. We seem to have led closely parallel childhoods. I'm a lot older than you are, but I recognized myself in so many points along the way. I'm fascinated. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks so much C.J. It's amazing how many parallels I've found here on Substack. Yet our journeys are all unique. I appreciate your read and comments
You're welcome.
My teacher put me into the hall about 9:30am because of my chattering, just like you. Chatty Kathy! She forgot about me, and I hid around the corner when the class filed out for lunch and recess. A boy named Robby spotted me about 3:00pm. She called my mother to apologize. I was just embarrassed!!
Omg! All of it. At least she apologized! What's up with putting a child in the hall anyway back then?
Well, it was better than adderall or Ritalin! I think it would be cheaper and easier to just give the teachers Valium!! ( sorry mom, brothe, grandma, and grandpa- teachers all!)
Dear Jane,
Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart, photos and story. I was a full blown bulimic by age 11. I spent most of my life at war with my own body and mind and the choices I made as a result of the thoughts I believed were true about me (which weren't) deeply hurt those around me who loved me the most (my 2 boys.) I just turned 50.
I'm not sure why shame was used as a tool to shape little minds back then but my mother used it as one of her go-to methods. I have come to understand her mother did the same, as did her mother, and her mother before her...and on up my lineage it goes for hundreds of years.
It's such a gift that the shame stopped and the healing began with me. I get to leave something different behind in this world for my boys. I still have days, as well all do, that stretch my spirit and push my soul past it's limits, but in that there is comfort because I know on the other side there will be growth, and now I have no problem identifying that little girl inside who was never kept safe by a woman who couldn't even keep herself safe, who didn't even know the meaning of safety (physical, emotional, and psychological.) I can turn to her today, at any point in time, and wrap my arms lovingly around her and LOVE her, hold her, and keep showing up for her in all the ways she should have been parented as a little girl all those years ago. I've got her. The portions of me that have healed, band together, they show up, wrap around her...and they've got her. ❤️🔥🙏
Thanks you so much for your kind words and sharing your experience with us. It's empowering to know that with awareness the shame and abuse cycle passed down can stop with us and with YOU. The awareness brings pain as we heal.
I'm sorry to hear about your eating disorder. So young and so many are affected. I used to be shamed for being too thin, but in that one photo I thought I was fat. I think I was 5. Where would I get that idea at 5? Children listen to our comments. I try to becareful with what I say
Thank you Jane, for sharing your story and vulnerability as well. I believe that’s the beginning of healing. This was such a beautifully courageous open-hearted piece, I’m so grateful to have connected.
Thanks much for your kindness. I'm so glad we connected too
I was too thin as a child. Funny looking. All the perfect features but on the wrong face. Whatever that means. I asked too many questions. Too many questions for people that lied as easy as they breathed perhaps. Buck teeth. Big forehead. My preschool teacher was physically abusive. I talked in class because I was done with my work. And bored. So I was expected to sit quietly. Not draw. Not write poems or short stories. Just sit. At home was the same. Just go play alone but not too loudly. I was ridiculed by kids and teachers until i left school at 17. Sigh. I’m better now. But oof
I'm so sorry you went through all of that. It's so hard and it doesn't matter how many years go by. I used to get the too skinny thing. Skeleton, bones, tooth pick. You name it. I tried to gain weight and it wasn't until I was in my early 30s that I could keep weight on. Skinny shaming is hurtful too. It's a sin that teachers were part of it too.
We win the battle by continuing to live, we win the war by continuing to heal. 🫂
That's right Ashe!! So many don't get to heal or even become aware which is the first step. We can help others on their journey too
Jane, I had all the same insults that you had. You had it bad, but my own father tried to ridicule me.
"We know you're not as smart as your (name excluded) brother, we don't expect the same thinking from you."
Years later, my brother was convicted for petrol bombing a house, stealing and cashing fraudulent checks ?
He is now 46yrs old and still unemployed, with no income, still leaving of my father. Worst still he lives of MY MOTHER !
My brother was a loser, then and still is a loser. My father lost, when he made that comment.....I saw through them at 14yrs old....People should be very careful about what the say to anyone.....Time is a healer - Time is also an avenger !
I'm so sorry you had to deal with it at home and at school. Comparing to a sibling too. It sounds like you were and are the stronger one, and had to develope yourself and your independence but it doesn't make it easier
Thanks Jane; It hurt for a while, but I moved on and achieved 2 degrees. Over the years, that hurt him more that his insult hurt me.
That's wonderful Karl. Congratulations to you!
You are so right about ADHD back then and before then . Have i ever been bullied a lot . was I ever a bully have to say yes for awhile to stay alive .Did i ever pick on woman no no no . That is completely wrong in my book . Great article Jane , I am sure with your heart you were and are a butterfly , The same as C.J Heck . hugs and peace
Thank you. I have been on both sides of bullying. Not proud of it either. I wish I could change, but can't. I think many go along with the crowd and try to make people laugh as cruel as it sounds. They have no idea the pain they cause
So very true Jane . Think we have all done things to go with the crowd , and have learned now it can hurt deeply .
Children that are bullied can become one to deflect. So many go with the crowd in fear of being "next"
So very true Jane .
It's so hard when the abuser is yourself. Been there... I'm so glad you are starting to give Little Jane the love and acknowledgement that she so rightly deserves. I wonder how our lives would've been different had we not been punished for ADHD (lots of talking) or anxiety (never talking) when in school. At least we can live ourselves now. Please give Little Jane a hug for me. She sounds awesome.
Thanks so much Janine. I think it would've been different if we were in school now. Children have more supports in place. A few of the teachers I had were strict and bullies themselves. I was in a fire when I was in 1st grade and my family was displaced. I think that's why I so emotional. Just put her out in the hall. There was no therapy back then. My whole family could've used it
Wow, what a gut punch. No one would be treated that way now. I am so sorry you had to go through that.
Nope. No way they would've but it was the 70s. What was mental health and trauma for anyone back then let alone a child. I'm glad I can see it all for what it was. The education, training and mental health resources weren't in place then and still are lacking in that area
Loving that sweet inner-child requires SO much strength and inner-work. Well done for journeying back to yourself! The initial layers require working through the external judgements but then rewiring the inner judgements they led to can be the extremely tough part.
It’s taken me years to do and funnily enough, a breakup was the catalyst to realise that it’s only by seeing and truly accepting all of the things you are/were criticised for and loving all parts equally that we can accept ourselves and realise, “I was always enough”.
Thank you for writing this, Jane!