Life is not the same after your parents are gone. It took me years to figure out. My mom passed away when our son was only 2. It's weird being a parent with out a parents. You're right there is no rulebook we have to figure it out the best we can
Yes, so very much. I remember when my late husband died I felt so terribly alone. But I was too tired to go out and meet people, or pretend to care about what they said. I couldn't wait to get back home to my loneliness. I realized how much he had stood in for the rest of the world for me and now, with him gone, I had to find a way to do it on my own. I did, but it took a long while. And now I fear being returned to that place some day. This is a good piece of vulnerability writing. Thanks.
I'm so sorry Trevy about your husband. When we are grieving it's so difficult to do anything, yet socialize. It's the last thing many of us wants to do. Thanks so much for commenting and reading. This is a healing process for me, writing and trying to figure it all out. It helps me too
I’ve felt alone most of my life. Most of my interests have been mine alone. I have been wanting to write about this but have not found the perfect pathway. Oh, perfectionism too.
For the commenters and the readers. I feel it’s important to state the following.
• Lonesomeness: A state or feeling of being alone, which may or may not involve emotional distress.
• Loneliness: A more severe and chronic emotional state, often linked to social isolation and associated with psychological and biological harm over time.
Those suffering from acute and psychological loneliness should reach out beyond social media.
I think many here do reach out beyond social media. It helps feel seen by others. Being seen is the antidote for loneliness. Our human connections are so important as well as professional help as needed. Many of us going through therapy and substack posts and comments are another part of our healing journey. It is for me.
What is your opinion on lonesomeness vs loneliness? If someone is surrounded by people yet describes themselves as lonely, what do we call people who see zero people for days on end. Who have zero connections, zero people to be seen by. Who are 100% alone. It seems incongruent to use the same terminology particularly when lonesome describes the former accurately.
Of course we can ‘feel’ alone in a household with family around. But this is lonesomeness, a normal feeling. However, it seems we now pathologise this into loneliness, which is the case of being alone. Without connections.
Does it dilute the meaning of loneliness like calling a blue day, depression. Depression is a clinical state, but we dilute it and use it without care when we feel a bit sad, which is unfortunate and possibly insensitive for those in a clinical state.
I personally think similarly about loneliness and lonesomeness. We should be saying lonesome but I understand it doesn’t pack the same punch for headlines and titles or reactions.
In short: feeling alone surrounded by people is not the same as actually having nobody in one’s life. What’s your take if it’s okay to open up the discussion?
Yes, many times. The first was when I became ill at 26. I was too ill to work, lost touch with most of my friends and colleagues and was single at the time. Very lonely indeed. The second time was different. I had gone through an unexpected divorce, my son was young and became quite ill. For many years it was just the two of us fighting a battle that seemed it would never end. We were isolated from the world, and we both lost friends. Out of sight, out of mind. I wrote a piece about the epidemic of loneliness a few months ago. It is an epidemic and affects people of all ages.
I'm so sorry you went through all of that. Illness is very lonely. Divorce is too and being a single mom from what I see from so many around me. I feel like everyone's marriages are crumbling around me
Have a child that is ill is scary and lonely too. I hope he's doing well now. There are times of isolation and it's so difficult to reconnect. I'll have to check out your writing on loneliness epidemic. Thanks for sharing that and commenting. I truly appreciate it
I wish I had the eloquent speech to highlight the tenderness I felt deep inside with this vulnerability you shared with us. We all crave some form of connection and it needs to be genuine and authentic for it to have meaningful impressions.
Introverts prefer one on one but still crave to be known, heard or held.
Alone is an epidemic. It comes in many forms and shapes. Many people are not above it, they just often are ignorant or numb to this need.
Thanks so much, Isaiah! So many are not above it as much as they numb and think they aren't. A few lucky ones have found that inner peace and connection. There have been times I've found it only to lose it again.
Jane, I feel this so acutely. I've had a series of losses and circumstances that make me feel very isolated. Being a parent to a child on the autism spectrum is lonely. Being a single parent is lonely. Parents dying is lonely, and yes, the feeling like we are the last generation is scary. The pandemic had a profound affect on the way I socialize, and I live most of my life online. The world feels scarier to me, - I feel a great deal of shame admitting that, but it's true. I long for more human connection, but in a culture that promotes the nuclear family and coupledom as an ideal, I do not fit in.
I'm so sorry you feel that way Amy. Your husband was so young and I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry. The world is paired off everything is couples and nuclear family or is part of that from the generation we grew up in I wonder? A series of losses, like you had is so difficult
I've some how got sucked into socializing on line since pandemic. I'm self-employed and I work different hours than the rest of the world. I rarely see people, just pets which is good, and lonely at times. Sorry you are feeling that way but I'm glad I'm not alone
Parents are not magical entities that have all knowledge — we just think that when we are toddlers.
They are just humans as ourselves with more experience, but by age 50 you have enough of your own to make a go at it.
The loneliness comes from realizing you can no longer talk to someone who knew you as a child. Your memories, or perhaps supplemented by siblings, are all we have left.
I visited my step-mum this spring, and I asked her a question about my father that I realized only she would know the answer to. As an only child, it was now just her memory and my memory of a man who is no longer around. Once she is gone, I will only have my imperfect memory and no one to correct it. That’s the loneliness.
Jane, I fully "get" this. I am almost 72 and am the last surviving member of my immediate family. Loss is unfortunately part of life...but there is always hope. To some degree, we are always alone, with "me, myself and I". However, first of all is God and His constant presence. There is one's church family. There are the gifts you have been given, artistic gifts of words and creativity. There are those who love you and whom you also love back. There are the projects you feel passionate about and pursue with headlong enthusiasm. YOU are needed in this world. God created each of us with a purpose and gave us gifts that no one else has ever exactly had. Lonely is one thing...but life goes on no matter what and you have a special part to play. You are a gift in yourself. Please know I give myself this same message! Blessings to you, Wendy
Jane, thank you back! As much as I dislike loss and grief, it is one of the engines that hone our empathy as writers. If life was all smooth and cerebral there would be no passion to our written word. Writers can be a conduit for higher realm things. I cling to God and His Son, that is what keeps me going, sharing what I learned from the chaos of rebellion. Keep going, truly one day at a time. I am far from a dynamo and that simple idea of one single day at a time, has helped me survive to nearly 72. Blessings to you, Wendy
I felt very very alone during my teenage years. While everyone was hanging out, I was home, ashamed to get out due to my "reputation" of not being a cool kid. Having learnt a ton more about myself and mental health during the years, I see why that has played out the way it has.
And indeed, what is helping me let go of that shame is seeing I'm not alone, being understood and having sense of belonging despite all of my struggles 🩶
Thanks so much for sharing here and your insight. The teen years are difficult. I can imagine now what it's like as a teen now. Knowing you are not alone and sharing is a huge antidote to shame. Belonging is so important to us all. I go through times where I struggle with that
Have I felt alone ? - heck yeah, all the time. All of my immediate family is gone. When mom passed in 1994, five years after dad, it hit me that I was an “orphan”. Technically, yes. In reality, not so much.…but it felt that way. I still had my brother until 2013 and sister. When my sister passed 5 years ago, I think a part of me went along with her. I have my wife, so in reality I’m not alone. Yet there is a void for sure !
As for that “event” !!! Yes, I’ve become what I was referring to as “antisocial” but was corrected just today that I’m really “anti-society”. It was explained to me that I still deep down care about people and try to help them. It’s the surroundings and events that I’ve become disenchanted with.
It’s a lot to digest and, well, quite difficult to understand. It’s that understanding that makes this all hard. If we ever figure that part out, a lot of the challenges, a lot of the questions will be answered and coping with the feelings might be a little easier to deal with.
All of these comments and philosophical definitions of loneliness are interesting. I believe loneliness is to each of us different things. It can’t necessarily be quantified. If you feel it, you feel it.
I had never thought about this until I read this post. My dad passed away a week ago. It was very unexpected. I have never felt this lost before. My anchor, my safety net is gone forever and I don’t know what to do with this feeling of loneliness. I’m in my late forties, I have a husband, kids, brothers and family but they can’t replace what my dad meant to me , how safe I he made me feel.
I'm so sorry about your loss of your dad. Once a parent is gone everything changes. They are an anchor. It doesn't matter how old you are when they pass
I am alone since birth, even when i got started living with my step dad, lockdown just changed me now i cant even put my feet out of my society and just train study eat sleep..
I resonate Jane. This is a terribly busy yet lonely season of life. For me, getting back to doing some of the things I did as a kid and eliminating as much responsibility as I can helps. However, that nagging feeling can still be there. You are not alone.
Thanks so much Holly. That's great your getting back to some of the things you did as a child. I've been. Trying to do that too. It does help! Thanks again for commenting
Life is not the same after your parents are gone. It took me years to figure out. My mom passed away when our son was only 2. It's weird being a parent with out a parents. You're right there is no rulebook we have to figure it out the best we can
Yes, so very much. I remember when my late husband died I felt so terribly alone. But I was too tired to go out and meet people, or pretend to care about what they said. I couldn't wait to get back home to my loneliness. I realized how much he had stood in for the rest of the world for me and now, with him gone, I had to find a way to do it on my own. I did, but it took a long while. And now I fear being returned to that place some day. This is a good piece of vulnerability writing. Thanks.
I'm so sorry Trevy about your husband. When we are grieving it's so difficult to do anything, yet socialize. It's the last thing many of us wants to do. Thanks so much for commenting and reading. This is a healing process for me, writing and trying to figure it all out. It helps me too
I’ve felt alone most of my life. Most of my interests have been mine alone. I have been wanting to write about this but have not found the perfect pathway. Oh, perfectionism too.
I feel both of those. Even with people around me sometimes. You can find a pathway to write about it. You will know. Thanks so much for commenting
Thank you.
You're welcome!
For the commenters and the readers. I feel it’s important to state the following.
• Lonesomeness: A state or feeling of being alone, which may or may not involve emotional distress.
• Loneliness: A more severe and chronic emotional state, often linked to social isolation and associated with psychological and biological harm over time.
Those suffering from acute and psychological loneliness should reach out beyond social media.
Great article thanks for sharing 🙏
I think many here do reach out beyond social media. It helps feel seen by others. Being seen is the antidote for loneliness. Our human connections are so important as well as professional help as needed. Many of us going through therapy and substack posts and comments are another part of our healing journey. It is for me.
What is your opinion on lonesomeness vs loneliness? If someone is surrounded by people yet describes themselves as lonely, what do we call people who see zero people for days on end. Who have zero connections, zero people to be seen by. Who are 100% alone. It seems incongruent to use the same terminology particularly when lonesome describes the former accurately.
Of course we can ‘feel’ alone in a household with family around. But this is lonesomeness, a normal feeling. However, it seems we now pathologise this into loneliness, which is the case of being alone. Without connections.
Does it dilute the meaning of loneliness like calling a blue day, depression. Depression is a clinical state, but we dilute it and use it without care when we feel a bit sad, which is unfortunate and possibly insensitive for those in a clinical state.
I personally think similarly about loneliness and lonesomeness. We should be saying lonesome but I understand it doesn’t pack the same punch for headlines and titles or reactions.
In short: feeling alone surrounded by people is not the same as actually having nobody in one’s life. What’s your take if it’s okay to open up the discussion?
Thanks for responding.
Agree. You can be alone but not feel lonely and can feel the most alone surrounded by people. It's all about connection. Well said
Yes, many times. The first was when I became ill at 26. I was too ill to work, lost touch with most of my friends and colleagues and was single at the time. Very lonely indeed. The second time was different. I had gone through an unexpected divorce, my son was young and became quite ill. For many years it was just the two of us fighting a battle that seemed it would never end. We were isolated from the world, and we both lost friends. Out of sight, out of mind. I wrote a piece about the epidemic of loneliness a few months ago. It is an epidemic and affects people of all ages.
I'm so sorry you went through all of that. Illness is very lonely. Divorce is too and being a single mom from what I see from so many around me. I feel like everyone's marriages are crumbling around me
Have a child that is ill is scary and lonely too. I hope he's doing well now. There are times of isolation and it's so difficult to reconnect. I'll have to check out your writing on loneliness epidemic. Thanks for sharing that and commenting. I truly appreciate it
I wish I had the eloquent speech to highlight the tenderness I felt deep inside with this vulnerability you shared with us. We all crave some form of connection and it needs to be genuine and authentic for it to have meaningful impressions.
Introverts prefer one on one but still crave to be known, heard or held.
Alone is an epidemic. It comes in many forms and shapes. Many people are not above it, they just often are ignorant or numb to this need.
Powerful sharing!
Thanks so much, Isaiah! So many are not above it as much as they numb and think they aren't. A few lucky ones have found that inner peace and connection. There have been times I've found it only to lose it again.
Jane, I feel this so acutely. I've had a series of losses and circumstances that make me feel very isolated. Being a parent to a child on the autism spectrum is lonely. Being a single parent is lonely. Parents dying is lonely, and yes, the feeling like we are the last generation is scary. The pandemic had a profound affect on the way I socialize, and I live most of my life online. The world feels scarier to me, - I feel a great deal of shame admitting that, but it's true. I long for more human connection, but in a culture that promotes the nuclear family and coupledom as an ideal, I do not fit in.
I'm so sorry you feel that way Amy. Your husband was so young and I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry. The world is paired off everything is couples and nuclear family or is part of that from the generation we grew up in I wonder? A series of losses, like you had is so difficult
I've some how got sucked into socializing on line since pandemic. I'm self-employed and I work different hours than the rest of the world. I rarely see people, just pets which is good, and lonely at times. Sorry you are feeling that way but I'm glad I'm not alone
Parents are not magical entities that have all knowledge — we just think that when we are toddlers.
They are just humans as ourselves with more experience, but by age 50 you have enough of your own to make a go at it.
The loneliness comes from realizing you can no longer talk to someone who knew you as a child. Your memories, or perhaps supplemented by siblings, are all we have left.
I visited my step-mum this spring, and I asked her a question about my father that I realized only she would know the answer to. As an only child, it was now just her memory and my memory of a man who is no longer around. Once she is gone, I will only have my imperfect memory and no one to correct it. That’s the loneliness.
Well said Nick. When the answers and untold stories go with them that's when it hits. Talk to her as much much as you can and record.
My dad passed when I was is my 20s and 14 years ago my mom passes suddenly. There never is enough time, it doesn't matter how old they live
Jane, I fully "get" this. I am almost 72 and am the last surviving member of my immediate family. Loss is unfortunately part of life...but there is always hope. To some degree, we are always alone, with "me, myself and I". However, first of all is God and His constant presence. There is one's church family. There are the gifts you have been given, artistic gifts of words and creativity. There are those who love you and whom you also love back. There are the projects you feel passionate about and pursue with headlong enthusiasm. YOU are needed in this world. God created each of us with a purpose and gave us gifts that no one else has ever exactly had. Lonely is one thing...but life goes on no matter what and you have a special part to play. You are a gift in yourself. Please know I give myself this same message! Blessings to you, Wendy
Thanks so much Wendy for your kind words. I'm sorry for your losses. I wish losses weren't a part of life, but they are
Jane, thank you back! As much as I dislike loss and grief, it is one of the engines that hone our empathy as writers. If life was all smooth and cerebral there would be no passion to our written word. Writers can be a conduit for higher realm things. I cling to God and His Son, that is what keeps me going, sharing what I learned from the chaos of rebellion. Keep going, truly one day at a time. I am far from a dynamo and that simple idea of one single day at a time, has helped me survive to nearly 72. Blessings to you, Wendy
I felt very very alone during my teenage years. While everyone was hanging out, I was home, ashamed to get out due to my "reputation" of not being a cool kid. Having learnt a ton more about myself and mental health during the years, I see why that has played out the way it has.
And indeed, what is helping me let go of that shame is seeing I'm not alone, being understood and having sense of belonging despite all of my struggles 🩶
Thanks so much for sharing here and your insight. The teen years are difficult. I can imagine now what it's like as a teen now. Knowing you are not alone and sharing is a huge antidote to shame. Belonging is so important to us all. I go through times where I struggle with that
Have I felt alone ? - heck yeah, all the time. All of my immediate family is gone. When mom passed in 1994, five years after dad, it hit me that I was an “orphan”. Technically, yes. In reality, not so much.…but it felt that way. I still had my brother until 2013 and sister. When my sister passed 5 years ago, I think a part of me went along with her. I have my wife, so in reality I’m not alone. Yet there is a void for sure !
As for that “event” !!! Yes, I’ve become what I was referring to as “antisocial” but was corrected just today that I’m really “anti-society”. It was explained to me that I still deep down care about people and try to help them. It’s the surroundings and events that I’ve become disenchanted with.
It’s a lot to digest and, well, quite difficult to understand. It’s that understanding that makes this all hard. If we ever figure that part out, a lot of the challenges, a lot of the questions will be answered and coping with the feelings might be a little easier to deal with.
All of these comments and philosophical definitions of loneliness are interesting. I believe loneliness is to each of us different things. It can’t necessarily be quantified. If you feel it, you feel it.
Sometimes comments are helpful. Sometimes, not.
Exactly! Thanks Karen for your insight
It's always interesting to see other perspectives. It makes the world go around you know?
pranayama and mediation have soothed this alone feeling for me, helping me to realize I am a part of the whole, and the whole is me
I had never thought about this until I read this post. My dad passed away a week ago. It was very unexpected. I have never felt this lost before. My anchor, my safety net is gone forever and I don’t know what to do with this feeling of loneliness. I’m in my late forties, I have a husband, kids, brothers and family but they can’t replace what my dad meant to me , how safe I he made me feel.
I'm so sorry about your loss of your dad. Once a parent is gone everything changes. They are an anchor. It doesn't matter how old you are when they pass
Thank you Jane 🙏🏼
I am alone since birth, even when i got started living with my step dad, lockdown just changed me now i cant even put my feet out of my society and just train study eat sleep..
I resonate Jane. This is a terribly busy yet lonely season of life. For me, getting back to doing some of the things I did as a kid and eliminating as much responsibility as I can helps. However, that nagging feeling can still be there. You are not alone.
Thanks so much Holly. That's great your getting back to some of the things you did as a child. I've been. Trying to do that too. It does help! Thanks again for commenting