Loneliness in midlife
You are the adult now and that can be terrifying and lonely.
*This is another one of my earlier posts from May 2024*
I thought this post was fitting for today after my latest poem. I was thinking of ripping apart this post and reconfiguring everything, but I decided not to and leave as is.
Emptiness void and chasing dopamine
I've been trying to identify this feeling. This empty void, this chasm. This chasing dopamine hits on social media by likes and connection only to feel more disconnection than ever. Lonely is the word I think I am looking for. I’ve felt disconnected from myself and others. Then I feel shame engulf me for feeling this way and I want to hide. I tell myself it doesn’t make sense. I have a family that loves me, a career, my own business and friends, I shouldn’t feel lonely, but I do. I realized loneliness was part of the pain I have been carrying around with me for the past year. It is the empty void; I’ve been trying to fill by superficial things and not real human connections.
Feeling like an orphan as an adult
It’s lonely being THE adult. I mean really an adult. I think you are really an adult when your parents are gone, and you realize it’s YOU now. You are the adult! Once a therapist asked me if my parents were alive and I said, “No, they both passed away many years ago.” The therapist then said, “So you are on your own.” I was surprised at the comment. I said “No, I’m not on my own, I have my husband, son, my sister and her family and my in-laws.” The comment still puzzled me. Maybe the therapist had parents that were still alive and was projecting how lonely it would feel without parents for them. Who knows? I still have to wonder if we are really on our own without our parents. There is no one ahead of you in the family line, and you are next. That scares the heck out of me. There is no buffer ahead. There is no guide here for me, no one to tell me what to do, there is no one to give me answers. My parents are long gone, our church has a feeling of disconnect, we are without pastors and have been for 3 years now. Who will show me the way? The answer is NO ONE. It is the truth. No one is coming to explain life or fix things. Only I can do that.
People depend on me. My family, my clients, my pets and my friends. It’s hard being the strong one. It is also lonely. What about me? Why can’t I reach out too? Why do I feel shame that I feel this way? I have my religious beliefs too that I can’t connect to now. It all feels so far away right now.
Aging feels lonely
Aging is another part that feels lonely. I look in the mirror and see saggy arms when I turn a certain way. Arms of an older woman. Will I fade away? Will I not remember my name someday, will anyone remember mine?
Loneliness can stem from feeling disconnected from the world. When you keep saying no to invitations, people will eventually stop inviting you. When you are too tired most nights to go out, it’s simply easier to just stay in. Is it all physical fatigue? Could loneliness stem from a trauma response and are we set in a hide or freeze response? Is it our fight or flight response that's activated? Do we use workaholism and busyness to try to fill every moment of our days? It’s a new perspective I haven’t considered.
You can’t run or hide
I listened to a podcast recently, the host was commenting on how we can try to run away from loneliness. We can’t deal with the pain, so we run or hide. But the best thing to do is sit with it. So, I did. It is excruciating when it hits, but I realize I'm not alone. I realize this is a feeling and this is the pain that I've been feeling. The shame I feel with this has made me avoid social interactions and the vicious cycle continues. So, I sat with this and felt it. For myself there is shame feeling this way so much it hurts.
Life is not the same after your parents are gone. It took me years to figure out. My mom passed away when our son was only 2. It's weird being a parent with out a parents. You're right there is no rulebook we have to figure it out the best we can
Yes, so very much. I remember when my late husband died I felt so terribly alone. But I was too tired to go out and meet people, or pretend to care about what they said. I couldn't wait to get back home to my loneliness. I realized how much he had stood in for the rest of the world for me and now, with him gone, I had to find a way to do it on my own. I did, but it took a long while. And now I fear being returned to that place some day. This is a good piece of vulnerability writing. Thanks.