The Day I Tried to Erase Myself

and hated it

I recently read an article by Jennifer S – MidlifeAnticrisis about body image issues in women and her own struggles. I had this article in drafts when I read her article and didn’t have the courage to post. Thanks so much, Jennifer!

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Have you ever tried to hide parts of yourself? Maybe it is by saying no to yourself in favor of someone else or using a filter on your photos. I’m guilty here, to both.

Recently, I had my husband take a photo of myself doing a headstand by our Christmas tree. I was feeling proud as I was almost another year-older and also post flu. I was determined to do this. Tired or not.

Later when I studied the pictures he took, instead of marveling at the strength, I focused on my widening stomach. I cursed my menopausal body for a moment. It was the belly of a woman in her 50s that was tired and ate too many cookies that week. One I still don’t want to recognize.

Magic Eraser

I wondered if magic eraser would help hide my stomach. I never tried using it for that purpose on myself. I usually only use it for getting rid of unwanted objects in the background. I experimented with altering my photo and it worked! Miraculously I appeared to have a flatter stomach. The black and white filter seemed to be more forgiving too. Then I felt a pang of sadness. Instead of making me happy, it filled me with grief. That wasn’t me in the photo. I was erasing myself. Why did I feel the need to do that?

I had to ask myself if I would erase someone I loved. Of course not. Yet that’s what I was doing to myself.

Filters so tempting but a slippery slope

It can be tempting to use filters on photos and hide our true selves. This happens when we aren’t used to seeing ourselves how we really are and get used to seeing those false images. I felt it was saying that I was not enough and that felt horrible.

So, I have a belly (we all do, thankfully). Sometimes more so if I have food sensitivities that day. I also know my belly is strong. My belly housed a child for almost 9 months, and it gave birth to an amazing son 18 years ago. I do have a strong core that helps with back pain and balance. It may be under the visceral fat, but there IS muscle under there! My belly protects my internal organs as well. I am blessed. It has been my constant companion for 57 years and I thank it!

I will strive and try to not want to erase parts of myself. And not just the physical parts. Perhaps realizing all this will be a start.

Then there are other parts of myself I erase and can erase, that aren’t physical. That looks like another article.

Questions:

Have you ever tried to erase part of yourself physically or yourself as a person? This goes for saying yes to things we don’t want to do, for hiding parts of our self we don’t think others would like or not speaking up for ourselves.

What are your thoughts on photo filters? Yay or nay?