Writing Therapy
Impromptu, raw writing to find answers within myself
I’m going to write. It will not be perfect the words will eventually spill out.
Will writing help me discover what is really wrong? Will it uncover part of that to myself? I am judging my spelling now as I write. Will writing get rid the unease I have right now? Will it get rid of the feeling of helplessness. Come on writing please show me what’s wrong! Its’ just you and I right now and my mind that is going in scribbles. Please calm them down writing. Help me find the answers in myself.
I wanted to write this morning. My son didn't feel well. He would stay home once again from camp. My mind races to worse case scenarios.
I have to get him to do bloodwork and more testing. Will we find answers? I have the flexible schedule and so much is on my mind and on my shoulders. Two other people in my family very close to me are dealing with chronic illnesses. I feel helpless once again.
I also was discharged from physical therapy for my shoulder today. I've come to a point where this is the end of my recovery. It’s the furthest I’ll get. I’ll maintain exercises at home. I’ll have to accept 60% or 70% recovery at best. I want 100% recovery though. The tendinitis I will work around it. As I'm writing this, I notice a tear slide down my face. Is this what is bothering me?
There are things in life that are a constant struggle. We have conditions that we have to live with sometimes. We need to accept them, but in our own time. We can control some aspects of our lives though.
With those close to me I can listen, offer to help, be supportive, offer to drive to appointments, and do errands when I’m able to. I can’t heal them. I can’t take away their pain. I can’t heal their mental anguish. I can sit with them though. I can listen to their heartache. I want to make it better, but I can’t. That is a helpless feeling.
I want my shoulder and knees back to what they were, but the damage is done I'm doing all I can. Arthritis has its own agenda. I don’t want your pity. My body is still strong and I’m not giving up. The nice benefit is I look like I'm in shape from the physical therapy exercises but looks are deceiving. I think it will get better in my mind. Denial. It’s so hard. I feel somehow, I am being lazy, or I could be over-thinking this.
The only person we can change is ourselves
When I wrote this morning with 100 other worries on my mind, I didn’t think it would come back to my knees or myself. Am I selfish? I want to fix others, but I can’t. I want the world to be a different place. All of this feels so heavy sometimes. The only person I can change is myself.
Recovery and growth are not linear and my mantra. It does not mean I'm less or helpless because of certain limitations I have. Limitations means to limit. It doesn't mean you can’t. What can you do within your limits?
I believe writing will always lead you to the answers within yourself. Keep it up. And remember prioritizing yourself isn't selfish. You need time to refuel so you can help others.
I have many physical limitations but I went skydiving this past week and never felt more alive! Limited doesn’t = lifeless. Live to your fullest, regardless of limitations!