Who was she, really?

The story behind the girl that danced at church

I hated that church from the first Sunday I walked in that door! Fake people! Hypocrisy! I couldn’t even begin!

My family and I were new to the area, and the church was popular in our community (that was my guess).

My younger brother quickly made friends, but as always, I struggled to fit in.

Each time I tried to talk to the girls there, I felt like they gave me the once over and dismissed me.

I knew I stood out. I was only fifteen, but I looked eighteen. I developed early, and it was a curse.

I was always told how beautiful and sexy I was, usually by boys and men. I am painfully shy.

I like to dress to express myself and nothing more. I love art, fashion and makeup. I dyed a few strands of my hair pink for the hell of it. The church frowned on that.

**Here is the to link to the poem I published a few weeks ago that inspired this short story**

https://janedeegan.substack.com/p/what-if-she-became-what-you-thought

The girls in my youth group had a name for me I soon learned. One night before a Bible study I found out what it was. They didn’t think I heard them, but I heard it all.

“What do you think of the new girl?” Callie asked. I could hear the eye roll in her voice.

“Do you see how she dresses?” Ami snorted.

“I know!” another girl piped in.

Sonya, the pastor’s daughter, bounced into the room. “Who are we talking about?”

“That new girl that thinks she’s all that.” Allyson added.

“Oh, Trysha the Tramp.” Sonya said.

My heart sank as they all laughed.

With tears pricking my eyelids, I walked into the room. I kept my head held high. They would not win!

The room got painfully quiet when they saw me. One of girls snorted and a few laughed.

Then the boys entered the room. One of them sat next to me.

“Hi Trysha!” he said.

I said hello, grateful that someone was being kind to me. Even if it was because I was pretty. It was better than being ignored all night.

I could see the eye rolls between the girls. I continued to ignore them. Another guy named Tim, joined our conversation. I knew it would annoy Sonya that Tim was talking to me because she had a crush on him. It was my power. My secret power so I used it.

Then almost a year later something inside me broke. I was sick of all the crap. The pastor kept making judgmental, inappropriate comments to me. One night he told me I was sinfully dressed. He also shamed me by saying I was giving men impure thoughts by the way I was dressing. Then he murmured under his breath “God won’t let you tempt me.” he said.

In shock, I turned around and said, “Excuse me?” For once I wasn’t afraid of this asshole.

He looked at me in a dismissive way. “Young lady. You need to control your anger.”

I walked out of the office and slammed the door. Later I was told I was disrespectful to our pastor.

I gave up and rebelled. I cut Sunday school and drank wine from the church cabinet. Sonya became my frenemy and would join myself and a few guys to drink. She’d clue us in to when the wine cabinet was unlocked.

I knew Sonya was not a friend. She would joke with me and say, “I like hanging out with you, because that’s where the guys are.” Then she laughed.

I also knew she was still talking behind my back. I had no idea of the extent until that one Sunday.

I overheard her telling Ami, that I went into the storage room to fool around with some of the guys from youth group. She also said the youth pastor was one of them. I was shocked and hurt by her horrid lies. It was as if someone punched me in the stomach.

By the time I sat down in the sanctuary. I could feel the stares and hear the whispers amongst the congregation.

I looked at all of them. They had secrets too!

The youth pastor! Once I saw him doing drugs in the church parking lot. In fact, he tried to get Sonya and I to join him. I saw how some of the older married men would look me up and down. I knew how their wives would gossip and judge others in the church. I also never forgot how the pastor talked to me. I had this sinking feeling that no one would ever believe me. What would it take?

Something inside of me broke and I sauntered down the aisle. I had their attention now. I turned on my phone and music filled the church. I hiked up my red dress and danced to the very music, “the devil’s music”, that was banned from the church.

I smiled at the agape faces. Mothers were covering their children’s eyes and ears. A few walked out.

I started to laugh. You aren’t better than me. We all sin! I wanted to scream to them all.

Yet they would never see it that way. I could never win.

I picked up the microphone before someone could grab it from me.

“Now that I have your attention.” I began to the suddenly silent church. '‘I have a few interesting facts for you.”

Questions:

Have you ever judged only to find out you were completely about them?

Have you ever been unfairly judged?