To Read or not to Read
How do you and your partner support each other's hobbies?
Do you and your partner share all of the same hobbies and interests? Are you always on the same page with your views? Do you agree with you significant other 100% of the time? The short answer is no for most of us. Sometimes, I wish my husband and I had more similar interests. Do I really want that? Not really. I think it keeps a relationship interesting if we have differences in hobbies. I have to remind myself of that.
Recently, I decided to show my husband my writing, actually I hinted a lot. I printed the one article, and it was the one I did not want him to read first! What do you think happened? He read it! It bothered him because my article addressed negative self-talk and how we can see ourselves in a different light if we aren’t feeling well. The day I wrote the article I was recovering from Covid, and I was comparing myself to someone else and my writing reflected that. I was writing about how we can project our own thoughts onto someone else. The point was, sometimes circumstances can affect our mental state. It’s temporary. He read my article and walked out of the room without a word. He said I would need someone else to edit it. When I write a blog, like that one, they are my own words and deepest thoughts. I am being transparent, and writing is very therapeutic for me. I started to question myself. Was I being too vulnerable in my writing?
I felt hurt and thought “Why doesn’t he care?” This is part of me I want to share. I also know being close to someone it is hard to not take their writing personally. Some of my writing is about painful experiences I’ve had, and I know it hurts him to read it.
I reminded myself that him choosing to read my article doesn’t have to do with my writing ability. I ask myself who my target audience is. It is menopausal women, and the changes we go through emotionally. I know he is not my target audience. Would I be interested in reading about sports or cars? Writing is personal to me, and reading is personal to the reader as well. Not everyone is a reader and not every subject is for all, like movie or music preferences for example.
It’s OK to have different hobbies and interest than our partner’s do. I don’t always like to hear every detail about my husband’s cycling, but it has grown on me more. I try to see what he experiences while cycling through his eyes, even if I only catch glimpses of it. I like to see how happy it makes him and how it gives him peace. Part of me wishes I would have the moments of freedom he has with cycling...but then I realize that I do! It’s writing for me! It happens when the words all fit together, and I get to express my thoughts and emotions. It happens when I create characters and I don’t know what will happen next and that discovery is amazing. When I realize that, it doesn’t matter if he reads an article or not, it’s the joy I have inside of myself from creating, it is mine.
Who am I writing for anyway?
So back to my writing, did I take it as constructive criticism when he commented on my article? Should I make my writing less dark? Who am I writing it for? What feels right for me now? Who is my target audience? A middle-aged Dad? A teenager? Nope. Not my audience and not my niche. Most important of all I am writing for myself!
I have to accept that not everyone has to read or appreciate my writing. Just because it’s a friend or a family remember does not make them obligated to approve or even read my work. It’s not fair to expect them to read something that is out of their subject interest or hits too close to home. What if there was a sports article, would I run to read it? Probably never. If it was written by someone I knew, probably, but not my first choice for literature, but eventually yes. If it was written by someone very close to me then absolutely.
Supporting our partner’s hobbies can look different for each person.
There are different ways we can support our partner’s hobbies. I may not be at my husband’s events, but I will get dinner ready ahead of time so he can ride. He may not always ask about my writing, but he got me a laptop for Christmas, and he helps me when I have issues with the printer. Support can look different for each person and one size does not fit all. We don’t cycle together but we are on the same fitness app. It helps give us both accountability with our workouts and it’s also a way to give support while sharing our hobbies with each-other.
I think it’s beautiful in a relationship to have different interests than our partners. We can grow in our own way, be our own person, and then come together as 2 different people. As the band Rush (one of Mike’s favorite bands) said perfectly. “I think it’s time to realize the spaces in between leave room for you and I to grow.”
I need to remember this and take my own advice on my articles. I wasn't a fan of The Who or a Rush fan before I met Mike. I’ve learned to appreciate them, but I may not turn up the radio when their songs come on and I may even change the channel.
**Update. Since my original draft of this blog, my husband has been my part-time editor, even when he’s tired from work he will still look over my blog posts. According to Substack Mike Deegan, “You are my number one fan.” I think what really hurts him in this article is when I change the radio station sometimes when Rush comes on. Ouch! **
Agree and support can look different for each person, including letting them be.
I definitely hear what you are saying. It is a fine art for sure and sometimes it takes a while if ever to figure out. Thanks!