This is what Body Dysmorphic Disorder can look like

When internal chaos shows up externally

Have you tried on multiple outfits, and nothing looked right? Have you ever felt “fat” because you ate that extra piece of cake? Did you ever have a pimple on your nose and feel like everyone could see it? People with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, BDD can feel this constantly. It can cause them to judge themselves harshly and unfairly. It’s usually a physical “defect” that is barely noticeable to anyone and can be imagined to the affected person. Obsessive concerns about their appearance can cause, anxiety and depression. It can also cause them to avoid social situations.

I have had experiences with BDD, since my teen years. It is milder for me than others and it is not constant, but I still struggle with this.

Earlier this week, when I was getting ready for an appointment, BDD decided to rear its ugly head. Usually, when I get ready for work as a pet sitter, I throw on stretchy sweatpants, a t-shirt and a hoodie. Depending on the season boots or sneakers. A ponytail finishes off the outfit. If my hair is brushed it’s a bonus! I spend 5 minutes tops on my appearance most days.

Today, I will wear jeans! I decide as I got dressed. I put on jeans I purchase a few months ago when I was proud of my new weight loss. After I pulled them on, I realized they were too tight! These same jeans I needed a belt for a few short months ago, now felt tight. I told myself that it was nothing a favorite t-shirt wouldn’t fix. I put on my go to white t-shirt. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and tried to style it. Do I tuck in? Half tuck? Tie it? What could I do to look thinner? How could I look presentable? I started to feel very disgusted at my thickening torso. I felt I looked 5 months pregnant!!

I was devastated! I tried so hard to lose weight! I lost close to 30 lbs. in the past year. (I do not recommend losing weight that quickly at any age). The intense exercises I did, coupled with falling hormonal levels of menopause, affected my ligaments, tendons and joints. In June 2023 I was diagnosed with bone-on-bone osteoarthrosis in both knees and a shredded meniscus. No one tells you that menopause can affect your body this way. We are told weight loss is good and exercise is good, but not how we can protect our bodies in the process.

My husband and I July 2022 left and July 2023 rt. I lost 25lbs within 6 months. What it did not show was how I felt inside or did it?

I worked on upper body strength and core exercises, since my knee injury prevented me to do other activities. I started to feel more comfortable in my body. I could always cover my legs up with long pants or long dresses, to hide my legs and cover my knee braces. My arms looked OK, but I told myself they were getting flabby. For my age I looked reasonably fit, and I felt good at seeing a waist again. It was also good for my ego to have my weight loss noticed.

Move ahead a few months, an old shoulder injury flared up. Over exercising and not listening to my body did me in again. I turned out to have calcified tendonitis. The tendonitis has affected my ability to do most yoga and upper body workouts now. I can recover with injections and physical therapy. For my knees, the gel injections are wearing off my and insurance will not cover it. The frustration is so real, when you try but keep hitting walls. I had a few stressful events happen close together in the past month. I had nowhere to go with stress, so I started eating more, especially sugar and sleeping less. I was spiraling.

In addition to feeling “fat” I felt sloppy and unorganized.

I looked at myself in the mirror and felt angst towards my body. How did I let this happen again?? I wanted to cry. I tried on a few other tops, sweaters and nothing looked right. I finally put on an over-sized blue top, another go to. I felt presentable. I looked around the bathroom and saw the hurricane around me. Make-up strewn across the counter, several shirts on the floor and on counter. The bedroom wasn't much better, in a short amount of time, in my desperation to find something that looked OK, I turned my room into a mess. In addition to feeling fat in the moment, I felt sloppy and unorganized.

Driving to my appointment I listening to a self-help podcast about women dealing with body image issues. I repeated the self-affirming mantras to myself. I felt like crying. Not because I got “fat” again, but because I felt I had little control over anything in my life. I also knew I wasn’t alone.

It was a beautiful 75-degree day, and I was roasting in my oversize shirt and jeans. I was angry that I felt the need to cover up. In the office waiting room, I noticed a few other women, some larger, some smaller than me. I compare myself when I get like this. I noticed a larger woman wearing a beautiful spring dress. She walked with self-assurance across the room. I envied her confidence and beauty. I wanted that so much! The women here were all shapes and sizes. They all had people they loved, and people that loved them. They also had their own inner battles, like I did. I had a little weight around my waist, but I wasn't as large as the distorted view of myself. When Body Dysmorphia hits, I focus in on one aspect of my appearance. Then the feeling of shame compounds this, when I think of people dealing with problems much worse than I have.

We can internalize our own stress

So, I spoke to my therapist about my body image issues. I was embarrassed to tell her how I was feeling and was afraid she’d think I was shallow. I told her how hard I worked to lose weight and get in shape and now it was gone. I was doing my all or nothing thinking again. She asked me what had been happening in my life. I told her about the past few weeks and the multiple stressful events hit me at once. Work was busy as well, life was busy. I was exhausted and felt like I had to keep it all together. The main thing was, I wasn't taking care of myself, and I was putting myself last once again. I had the belief again that I had no one to talk to either, the problems built up and they had nowhere to go. That’s when I internalized my own stress. I turn the frustration and anger inward. The easy answer was to take care of myself. That mean reaching out to others and not worrying about burdening them with the challenges I was facing.

Later that day. I changed into my stretchy yoga pants and a bright pink t-shirt. I noticed I was not as large as I felt earlier. In fact, I wasn't large at all. I had a little extra weight around my waist yes, but it happens sometimes, especially at my age. It is a frustrating menopausal challenge that many women have with abdominal weight gain, me included. I needed to remind myself that my perceived flaws did not define me as a person.

Easter Sunday. A week and a few days before and seeing this I realize that it’s impossible to have gained 20 lbs., but I don’t need a photo for that. Midsection bloat from menopause and food sensitivities that varies from day to day and my though pattern can cause this distortion. Most of all I can see how much I am loved and blessed in this photo.

Body dysmorphia lies.

The panic and distortion of body dysmorphia is very real. It also lies. It can cause you to freeze in your tracks and make you want to hide. We are so much more than our bodies. At my age, I am continuing to make peace with certain parts of myself. I will continue to let go of what no longer serves me and move ahead. It may only be millimeters, but that is still progress.