Saying Goodbyes

Remembering you, Dad

My Dad at one of his favorite places

It’s so hard saying goodbye. I feel like we can do this over and over long after the person we loved has left this world. I don’t think we ever truly say goodbye.

Searching for a sign from beyond

I felt this on Thursday as I watched the sunrise and was missing my parents. “Please show me a sign!” I screamed in my mind. Slowly I watched the sky spread pink to fushia to purple. My favorite colors in the world. I could write it up to a sunrise and the angle of the sun on this November morning, but I’d like to think it was something more.

My parents in 1997 or 98

Anniversary of my dad’s passing

Next week will mark 26 years since my dad left this earth. He passed away from Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma in November 1998. The disease was cruel and took him away as much as he fought to live. The disease did not take his spirit and soul, and I know he lives on.

The day before my dad passed away, My mom and I met with his oncologist. The doctor informed us that there was nothing more that could be done, his cancer was terminal, and his body was shutting down. It was only I matter of time. I knew his time was coming and I wasn’t ready. You never are. Outside it was a clear, sunny November day. I wondered how it could be so beautiful, and dad was dying.

My brother, sister and husband were working that day, and I contacted them with the news. It was 1998 so there was no smart phones or social media platforms. The nurse let me use the phone at her desk and a phone book. One by one I contacted family and friends and told them the news.

Our dad was able to get a private hospital room. He had friends and family visit him to say good-bye over the next two day. There was a special room for families of patients in hospice care, where we took a respite. Friends of my parents brought food for our family. I will always remember the kindness others showed to my dad and our family as he battled cancer. Right before my dad got sick, I was at a point in my life when I was starting to become jaded and giving up hope on other’s. After this, I vowed to be a light for others and pay it forward as much as possible.

Long after visitors left, our immediate family gathered around his hospital bed. We sang Christmas carols to him. He would not be there for Christmas we knew and probably not Thanksgiving, so it was our chance to celebrate with him. It was peaceful in that moment. At one point my dad opened his eyes and said, “Am I awake?” He had a moment of clarity. “I love you all.” he said holding his arms up to us.

“We love you too dad.” we told him before he drifted back to sleep

Christmas in the 70s with my Dad, baby brother, sister and myself on the end.

“Arms of the Angel”

On my drive home that night I heard the song Angel by Sarah McLachlan. It was the first time I heard that song. It struck me to my soul. I wanted my dad to be at peace and not suffer any more. He fought the good fight. Somewhere between the ending of that song and when I parked in front of my house, I knew my dad had left this earth.

A short while later we got the call. My husband relayed the message that my dad had peacefully passed away. He passed away after we had all left the hospital and got home safely. That was my dad. It was the way he wanted to leave this world. He left this world on his terms.

My Dad with the Olympic torch in 1996

It seems like yesterday

It is now almost 26 years later, Dad. I have lived in 2 different houses since then, became a mother, we lost Mom as she joined you, we have lost so many loved ones as well, you have 6 grandchildren, and there have been so many other changes in our lives. So much can happen in 26 years, but it seems like yesterday since you left this earth.

My Dad and I dancing at my wedding.

Dad, we didn’t always understand each other when I was growing up, but I know you loved me. As adults we found more of a common ground and then you were taken away too soon.

You and mom are together again with her parents and your own. You are “Somewhere Beyond the Sea.” as Bobby Darin would sing.

Goodbye Dad, until we meet again on “golden sands.”

My dad and I at Beach Haven NJ in the 70s