Running Away from Pain

When it's yourself you escape.

Have you ever tried to run away from yourself? You soon realize that avoiding your pain only works for so long, and there it is staring you in the face.

Wednesday night, when I was sitting alone in my living room, I heard a song that reminded me of my friend Maryann, who passed away a few years ago. The lyrics took me back to the shock of her death.

** “Someone said, I’ll never see your face again. Part of me can’t believe it’s true” **

You are really gone, my beautiful friend. It’s been almost 2 years now and at the time you passed I just couldn’t process it. I grieved for your husband and teenage son, but I felt my own loss didn’t compare to theirs.

This time grief slammed into me as memories came flooding back. I saw your smile; I heard your laughter, and I could hear your voice. I thought of our dinners out, our boys playing together, seeing you when I would take care of your dog, and chatting with you at our annual 4^th of July picnics. It seems surreal that you are gone from this world.

I looked around the empty room and all of my other loses crept in. Those many losses that crashed around me all at once. In my mind’s eye they were shining orbs each representing a loss. Then there were the losses of ones still alive. Sometimes those hurt the most.

Running away from pain

The biggest part that I’ve been running from is the pain of feeling alone with myself, and the feeling of disconnect I have. This is the pain I have been trying to numb with scrolling social media, working, worrying about the pain of others, and daydreaming. In the end it doesn’t chip away from the pain of grief that is simmering below the surface.

I’ve avoided those parts of me that feels alone and that misses so many. The pain of knowing I could be rejected. I know by keeping those feelings at arm’s length I can avoid the pain, but am I?

I felt the waves of pain as the song droned on.

**“There are times that I need someone. There are times I feel like no one. Sometimes I don’t know what to do. There are days I can’t remember. There are days that last forever. Someday I’ll come out from under you.”**

I cried and felt the lyrics to my core. The tsunami of pain didn’t kill me, in fact I could feel those pent-up tears releasing pain.

Numbing for so long

It’s difficult to pick yourself up especially when you have been numb for so long. There are no superficial connections, validations, and likes will cure that pain. I need to rebuild again, and it will take time.

Truly looking at yourself can be painful, especially when you’ve been hiding. I’ll let myself in a little at a time.

It can be overwhelming, but it’s OK to sit with your feelings. It’s the only way through

Question of the week:

Have you tried to avoid pain and grief only to have it hit later?

*Lyrics from Under You (by the Foo Fighters) *