Jealousy

The green-eyed monster. Where does it really come from?

Photo by Rafaella Mendes Diniz on Unsplash

In the distance I saw her. I was feeling confident and at ease with myself or so I thought, until she ran past us. She was 20, slender and athletic. She had long, gorgeous hair that didn’t seem to be affected by humidity. She taunted me with her flat stomach and youth. I felt less than. The green-eyed monster came back, and I hated myself for it.

When she ran by us a second time. (Yes, she was doing loops around us). I fantasized sticking my foot out and tripping her. Why did she have to run and show her cleavage? At the same time, she was not slutty, and that made me feel worse.

Feeling shame

I hated the feeling of insecurity and shame. Why this knee jerk (almost literal reaction? Why is this bothering me now? I asked myself.

Please don’t tell me not to feel jealous and to be thankful for what I have. Feeling the shame for feeling this way hurts.

What is the root of jealousy?

I carry so much guilt for feeling this way, when there are so many people struggling. My struggles are internal and external. My struggles may look invisible, but I still struggle.

Jealousy is a feeling. It’s a feeling like grief, sadness or anger. If someone was grieving their mother for example, would you say be thankful your mom lived xx number of years and you shouldn't miss her? No!

Jealousy disguised as grief

Where is this grief coming from? I am grieving my younger self. I am grieving my mobility. I am grieving not being able to run, workout and track my progress. I grieve the yard work, and gardening I used to be able to do. I grieve that I will not be able to take long walks on the sand with my family on vacation. That fucking hurts!

I grieve that I had no warning a year and a half ago about the thief that is degenerative arthritis, tendonitis and an inoperable meniscus tear. My fitness level is now physical therapy. I exercise now to be mobile. I have to remember to pace myself and control inflammation. It is the reality I hate.

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Grieving loss of mobility

I grieve how my chronic health issues have affected my business. It is painful knowing I have to pass on some of my dog walks to younger, more able pet sitters. I'm thankful for them, but it’s still another loss. It’s so hard to let go and restructure my business.

Sitting with my feelings

You, beautiful, young, jogger reminded me what I miss about myself, and I grieve. I compared her mobile knees mine. I look at my knees that are taped up and swelling. Yes, that stings.

Maybe tomorrow I will list all the things I am thankful for. Not now. I need to sit with my feelings, which turned out be disguised as shame and grief. Whatever feelings will surface I will accept and that's OK.

Have you experienced jealousy in any area of your life?

How did you deal with it? Did you find there were underlying causes?