Happy Freaking Thanksgiving -Raw writing

Yes, I am thankful but pissed off. Can't be both??

It’s the day before, Thanksgiving and I’m at the pharmacy feeling annoyed and not thankful at the moment.

I scanned my items at the self-checkout. $51.00 Wtf? Where are my discounts?

I pushed the button for help. No forget that. They will probably think I’m a boomer. You know younger generations think anyone over 40 is a boomer.

I shut off the button. I wanted to get out of there. One of us was sick at home, and I was fighting off this thing myself. Fucking COVID

The 12 OK probably 20 year-old came over. “I don’t think it got my bonus.” I said feeling like an old lady.

“Of this?” She said motioning to the Lemonade and Milk. What does she think I am an idiot?!

“No, for this entire bag next to it.” I told her. “I thought a few of those things were discounted. Maybe my number didn’t show up.”

“You can ring it up again.” she said trying to be helpful

“Don’t worry about it.” I said

“Sorry.”

I nodded and took my bags and headed to the car

Why did not getting a discount piss me off? Why did it make me feel so angry inside?

Was it the milk I paid $2.00 more to avoid the grocery store? The lemonade -same deal. The nose spray because one of us has COVID? The knee tape 18.99 for my knees that was so expensive. Why do I have osteoarthritis? I’m sick of taping my knees. Mascara? Why did I splurge on that?

Sick for Thanksgiving. Poor us. Pissed because I had to run errands. Pissed because no Thanksgiving. Pissed because I said it was OK at the store, and it wasn’t. Pissed that I had to work. Pissed that I can’t be sick.

WHY CAN'T I BE SICK?!! WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP GOING?

I want to rest in bed all day and not feel guilty, but no. Pet sit, laundry, cooking, more pet sitting, errands more pet sits. Taking care of my own pets

Why is there always work? Why can’t you sit still? I’m asking my husband that and myself silently.

This is what pisses me off. Not giving myself permission to rest unless I’m too sick to move.

Whose fault, is it? Mine!

How can I tell what others are thinking? I can’t tell. It’s the story I tell myself in my head. No wonder why I’m so irritable.

I feel bad for knowing I screwed up again, with negative thinking.

At these moments I’m not feeling very thankful. For now, I am frustrated and disappointed. I am missing family and pets that are no longer on this earth. This year not being able to see what little family I have left is hitting me.

Feeling this way doesn’t mean that I am not thankful for what I do have. Feeling like I have to feel thankful and not acknowledge my frustrations seems like an extra weight to carry. I need to sit with whatever feelings are coming my way.

Happy freaking Thanksgiving!

I have a more positive post coming out too. I need to sit and sulk for now