Why Do You Feel the Need to Rescue?

Sometimes you have to let them go

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Have you ever felt like you were helping someone only to make their problems worse? Having a friend or family member you tried to help steer in what you feel is the “right” direction and then have them take a sharp U-turn is frustrating.

Trying to save a baby bird

One spring day I tried to help a baby bird that was stuck in our garage. The more I tried to help him, the more he fought me. I quickly pushed the garage door open to set him free only to have him fly directly into the door’s pulley! He started to squawk in pain. The little guy’s leg was stuck! I stumbled over some boxes in vain to save him, but I couldn't reach him. He was flailing around too much. All I could do was close the door again and release his leg. I hoped I wouldn't hurt him too much.

His leg was free from the garage door pulley, and he squawked and tried to fly around, but he kept flying into things and getting stuck. I went to rescue him from behind a screen. He squawked and fought me as I tried to free him.

His leg was injured. I called my husband out to the garage, and he helped me put the little bird into the box. The bird continued to screech and flap his wings. He obviously didn’t want to be confined, but we didn’t want him to get further injured either.

Photo by Tim Herreijgers on Unsplash

There was nothing I could do to save him

We put the box outside and the baby bird flapped it’s wings and was able to fly out of the box. He flew a short distance and landed near our neighbor’s porch. For an instant I wanted to chase him. Then I realized I could chase him all day and there was nothing I could do to save him. The only thing I could do was let him go into the world, partially broken. Would he survive? Would the next predator get him? There was also a chance that he could learn to adapt to his broken leg. His leg may heal on it’s own. Even knowing that, it was still hard to let go.

It can be that way with people. You can try to help them, but they keep slamming themselves against the wall. You can waste precious time and energy to help, only for them to get injured again.

You can’t fix the broken

You can’t fix the broken, if they don’t want to help themselves. You can get resources for them and lend an ear, but how far will you go? How much help can you give to someone before you are enabling them? How good is it for your own mental health?

I am guilty of doing this myself, and I am learning to let people and situations go. Sometimes the biggest gift you can give to someone is to back away and let them figure things out for themselves. I have to ask myself if I am trying to fix them for myself or them. Am I projecting their own pain onto myself and making it my own? Am I encouraging co-dependency from them by trying to intervene?

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Letting go

There comes a time when you need to let go. By letting go it doesn’t mean you care less for them. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Let them fly with a broken leg, they may get eaten by predators, but they may not. The predators may exist only in your own mind.

Was it my fault I couldn’t save the bird? Was it my fault he flew into the garage door pulley as I was trying to let him out? No, of course not. I was so focused on the bird and my own guilt that I didn’t see that I could be making things worse. I still think of the baby bird, and it haunts me. I replay what I could've done differently, and I know I can't change the past.

You cannot control everything

Sometimes you have to admit you made a mistake. You need to realize you cannot control every situation or person. The bird could get hurt on his own, but he could also be free. He could figure things out on his own. That could be the biggest gift I could give to him. His leg may always be broken, but he will fly on his own. He may soar higher than I could imagine.

Question:

Have you ever tried to help someone, and it made the situation worse?

written by Jane Deegan - July 2024