To Read or not to Read
Do you and your partner share the same interests?
***This article was originally written and posted on Substack in March of 2024. I have updated it since***
Do you and your partner share all of the same hobbies and interests? Are you always on the same page with your views? The short answer is no for most of us. Sometimes, I wish my husband, and I had more similar interests. Do I really want that? Not really. I think it keeps a relationship interesting if we have differences in hobbies.
Recently, I decided to show my husband, Mike, my writing. Actually, I hinted a lot. I printed a few articles, but there was one I did not want him to read first. What do you think happened? He read it! It bothered him because my article addressed negative self-talk and how we can see ourselves in a different light if we aren’t feeling well. I was writing about how we can project our own thoughts onto someone else. There were thoughts I unfairly projected onto him in that article.
Was my writing too vulnerable?
When I write a blog, like that one, they are my own words and deepest thoughts. I am being transparent, and writing is very therapeutic for me. I started to question myself. Was I being too vulnerable in my writing?
I felt hurt. This is part of me I want to share, with him most of all. I also know being close to someone it is hard to not take their writing personally. Some of my writing is about painful experiences I’ve had, and I know it hurts him to read it.
I reminded myself that him choosing not to read my article doesn’t have to do with my writing ability. I ask myself who my target audience is. Would I be interested in reading about sports or cars? Writing is personal to me, and reading is personal to the reader as well. Not everyone is a reader and not every subject is for everyone, simple but not easy to accept.
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It’s Ok to have different interests than our partners
My husband, Mike, is an avid cyclist and recently competed in an iron tour. My admiration goes deep and there were times, in the past, I did feel a little envious of his cycling. Mostly because it cut into our time together and I wanted to have a passion like he found in cycling. It wasn’t until one Sunday afternoon last fall when we were driving together on one of his cycling routes. I was finally able to see his love of cycling through his eyes. The freedom he must feel on the open road. The beauty and the nature around him. The exhilaration he must feel in the open air.
I don’t always like to hear every detail about Mike’s cycling, but it has grown on me more. I like to see how happy it makes him and how it gives him peace. Part of me wishes I would have the moments of freedom he has with cycling...but then I realize that I do! It’s writing for me! It happens when the words all fit together, and I get to express my thoughts and emotions. It happens when I create characters, and I don’t know what will happen next and that discovery is amazing. When I realize that, it doesn’t matter if he reads an article or not, it’s the joy I have inside of myself from creating, it is mine.
Who am I writing for anyway?
Did I take it as constructive criticism when he commented on my article? Should I make my writing less dark? Whom am I writing it for? What feels right for me now?
I have to accept that not everyone has to read or appreciate my writing. Just because it’s a friend or a family member does not make them obligated to like or even read my work. It’s not fair to expect them to read something that is out of their subject interest or hits too close to home. What if there was a sports article, would I run to read it? Probably never. If it was written by someone I knew, probably, but not my first choice for literature, but eventually yes. If it was written by someone very close to me then absolutely.
Supporting our partner’s hobbies can look different for each person.
There are different ways we can support our partner’s hobbies. I may not always be at my husband’s events, but I will get dinner ready ahead of time so he can ride. He may not always ask about my writing, but he gave me a laptop for Christmas and edits my writing no matter how tired he is. Support can look different for each person and one size does not fit all.
Mike and I don’t cycle together but we are on the same fitness app. It helps give us both accountability with our workouts and it’s also a way to give support while sharing our hobbies with each-other.
I think it’s beautiful in a relationship to have different interests than our partners. We can grow in our own way, be our own person, and then come together as 2 different people. As the band Rush (one of Mike’s favorite bands) said perfectly. “I think it’s time to realize the spaces in between leave room for you and I to grow.”
I need to remember this and take my own advice on my articles. I wasn't a fan of Rush before I met Mike. I’ve learned to appreciate them, but I may not turn up the radio when their songs come on and I may even change the channel.
My partner and I don't share many interests, but appreciate spending time together, cooking together, going on walks together, sitting and watching movies together. We each have our own interests that we support and admire in each other. He supports me practicing yoga and I support him stopping our walks to photograph mushrooms. He'll probably never practice yoga, and I rarely look for mushrooms, but we still love each other.
Jane, It's hard not to take things personally in our partnerships. I appreciate how you worked through your partner's reaction to your writing and accepting the different hobbies you have. How we accept our differences is so fundamental in a relationship. I'm single now so it's not an issue for me in the present.