The Ugly Duckling by Hans Christian Andersen, is a popular children’s story that is actually very painful if you think about it and can be true in our world today.
The Ugly Duckling was a swan born into a family of ducks. He felt different from those around him including his own family. One day after months of ridicule and rejection (which was probably years in swan time), he meets up with a group of swans. He is made aware that he has become a beautiful swan, and he finally feels accepted. Or does he? The story does not end there, and I don’t know how this could be a truly, happy ending.
He struggled to see who he had become.
When the Ugly Duckling saw his reflection as a beautiful swan, he didn’t recognize himself. He was told how handsome and graceful he was, but did he believe it? According to the story, I don’t think he did. He struggled to see who he had become. The swan had years of rejection to process. Did the swan wonder if he would have been accepted if his appearance did not become “beautiful.” I don’t doubt that for a minute!
Years of bullying in childhood, can affect our perception of ourselves. It can cause us to feel we are not accepted for who we are. This can be due to discrimination from learning disabilities, ethnicity, religion or gender identity. It is unfair and painful to those experiencing this. My heart break for all of the swans that have felt the need to be someone else. It takes more than a few kind words from others to accept ourselves after years of rejection.
What looks like rebellion can actually be a fight for autonomy…
There once was a little girl that felt different from those around her. She was told she was “ugly” at school because of the way she dressed. At home she was the one ‘stirring the pot.” This little girl was quiet and sensitive, but she had a huge imagination and heart. She was creative, quirky and was very active. Outside of the home she questioned her religion and church beliefs. She did not conform to the conservative beliefs around her. What looked like was rebellion was actually autonomy, she was trying to figure out her own beliefs, but she was scorned by this.
The young girl grew into “swan” according to the world around her. She did not see the swan though, but felt she had to. She still saw the ugly brown duck. She knew she had to become the swan because she was now accepted that way, being the duck others wanted her to be, did not serve her and she had to be that swan. She focused on superficial areas to feel like she could match this new swan image, but deep inside didn’t feel she was enough. She concentrated on the outward aspects since she was considered a swan now and the world seemed to approve Maybe that’s how she could be finally loved and accepted and not be or rejected anymore? Not getting to know who the swan was inside and focusing on the outside only hurt her more. She missed valuable time by holding on to perceived views of herself from others and not getting to know her true inner swan.
We need to accept those around us for who they are.
Words hurt, it’s a lie to say they don’t. Are we still playing our old recording? Are we repeating the hurtful words that may have been said to us? If it’s true, it’s not the gang of ducks that’s hurting us now but our memories we hold onto with our own self-talk. All this sounds simple, changing thought patterns, but it’s about accepting who we are. We also need to accept those around us for who, they are! A swan is a swan and not a duck. If the baby swan would’ve kept trying to fit in with the ducks, he would’ve never discovered the swan he was meant to be! That's so true for all of us, but it can take a lifetime to learn, if we learn it at all.
Please be your inner swan or duck and love them for who they are. That is what is truly beautiful.
**The little girl is still learning. I am still learning. I am also learning how important it is to accept others for who they are and not try to change them. The little girl and the swan need to accept who they really are and let the old ideas go. Their true selves are beautiful inside and out. **
I actually thought you were going to write about families who adopt children from different ethnic groups (which is kind of what the Ugly Ducking story implies, even though it wasn’t the original intent)! In any case, I’m that conservative-ish girl who has, since university more than 20 years ago, been a little off in many of her humanities classes. I’ll post my rant about the intro women’s studies class I walked out of in ‘98 because the TA was being an idiot (I may have written about it in my own Substack…will need to check). Well, conservative-ish according to many, especially those who have the strongest and loudest voices these days (and back in the late 90s and early naughts). But anyway…