Strength vs Shame

Double standards for an aging woman - I am 50 (something) and I can...

Feb 07, 2025

a woman is doing a handstand on the ground — Photo by Carolin Thiergart on Unsplash

“I am 50 years old” as Sally O’Malley would say on Saturday Night Live if any of you are old enough to remember. Well, I’m slightly older, but you get the idea.

Doing handstands and yoga inversions make me feel like Wonder Woman, and yes, I am proud of my progress and post some of my exercise videos on social media. I feel proud yet shamed at the same time. Would it be the same for a man posting the same videos?

A month ago just after turning 56

Why yoga inversions?

How did I start my yoga inversions? What got me here? Metaphorically my world was turned upside down.

In early 2023 after turning 54, I entered menopause and felt depleted. I was comparing myself to unattainable images woman face everywhere. I had gained weight and did not recognize myself. It became my mission to get in shape almost at all costs. I did yoga, walked and started running. I skipped meals and ignored subtle pains in my knees. I was in an unhealthy spiral. Then one day my knee swelled, and I stopped. What I thought would take a weekend to heal turned into months.

Eventually an MRI revealed I had stage 4 bone-on-bone arthritis under my kneecap and various stages of osteoarthritis over other parts of my knees. I had a knee injury in my teen years, and it was all catching up to me.

I was devastated. The fitness routine I adopted over the last few months I could no longer do. I spiraled into a deep depression.

I felt like an old woman disappearing into the dust

Having loss of mobility was affecting my business as a dog walker, my income, and my attempt to regain youth. All were slipping from my hands.

I felt bad that my husband had to deal with this emotional mess. He was an avid cyclist (still is). I felt like I was an old lady disappearing in the dust while he rode his bike into the sunset with friends.

I decided to take control after a few months of grief. There were things I could work on, like my upper body and core strength. My health. I could still eat well and not starve myself. I started physical therapy.

My physical therapist was a godsend. She reminded me that I was in good shape, regardless of my knees. It was a long road, but I could do it. I got gel injections for my knees and followed PT religiously. Most of all I had determination. I would not give up.

Hitting the wall again with handstands - literally

Since jogging or running would be challenging, I started working on handstands. In my gymnastic days of youth, I had been able to do handstands, cartwheels, and tumbling. Fortunately, those abilities carried into my 30s. In my mid-50s, the goal was to achieve a handstand by the time I was 55. I was so close, then I was hit by Covid early last year. My body was forced to rest. I tried to push through workouts after a week of being ill, but exercise intolerance was part of my COVID recovery. When I recovered, I tried to make up for lost time. But I didn’t give myself enough time to reintroduce my body to handstand drills, and I ended up aggravating an old shoulder injury.

New diagnosis…shoulder tendonitis.

I found myself once again resting, getting injections and back in physical therapy. I had to give up handstands. I was devastated again. I kept hitting walls. There was little I could do

I went to a muscle therapist, and she introduced me to a yoga inversion chair. I had hope again. I was hooked and a little obsessed. I still am!

It wasn’t how I wanted my fitness routine to look, but I could challenge myself. I still push myself too hard some days and I have to slow down. The headstands are a journey, not a destination. I need to remind myself of that.

Yoga inversion bench. It keeps my sanity.

It took strength and I was proud of myself. I started to video myself and began sharing them via social media. Soon after posting a few of the videos, self-doubt started creeping in. Was I showing off? Was I too old to be doing this? Was I making a fool out of myself? Attention seeking? Instead of feeling proud of myself, I felt shame.

I continued to work and film my fitness videos for social media. I had fun choreographing the videos to music and using special effects

I had a few unusual comments from people I knew. One made a sexual comment. I had someone mentioned stating my age could be a deterrent and I could get more likes if I didn’t reveal my age. Maybe I don’t want to be “liked” for an image! There are creeps out there and I refuse to have anyone make me feel small or ashamed.