Remembering You Today, Mom -15 years later

A Motherless Mother

I’ve been thinking of this day for the past week, and I’ve been grieving that. The dark cloud of February. It’s now here.

15 years ago today, Mom you quietly left this world. You left without a good-bye. It all went by so fast and yet it didn’t.

I’m not sure what I’m going to say. I’m not in the headspace to, maybe. Maybe I’m afraid I’ll cry and not stop. I know I keep pushing those feelings back and let it hang over my head instead.

There’s so much I could say. I have a feeling nothing profound will come, but please know I am thinking of you.

I try to remember you. How you lived your life and not how you died. My mind still loops to those last hours of your life that I still agonize over. What if I would’ve called earlier? Were there signs we missed? So many what ifs. We talked the night before, Mom. I had no idea it would be our last conversation.

I was the mother of a 2-year-old then. I was suddenly a motherless mother. Two days later I had to pick out funeral flowers with my husband and then 2-year-old son. This was not how it was supposed to be. You had young grandchildren. There were two more you would never meet. There are 2 that barely remember you. Our son asked for you and didn’t understand where his Grammy went. It broke our hearts and still does today.

My mom and our son

It stung being a mom without a mother and it still does to this day. I keep your memory alive with him, it’s all we can do.

A mother-less mother

Where are you?

There was so much left to do.

Why did you leave?

It was so hard to grieve

I had to be strong

I had to figure out where I belonged

It wasn’t how it was supposed to be

we still had so much to see

There would be no more days

in the spring

to push them on the swing

and to watch your grandchildren grow

there’s so much you will never know

Vacations together at the beach

are forever out of reach

Your grandchildren are older now

I know you would be proud

Sometimes

I see a glimmer of you

in our son’s dark eyes

I catch it in his smile

it’s so hard to believe you’ve been gone a while

We will keep your memory alive

it’s all we can do

All I can say

is we miss you.

today and everyday

That will never go away.

I love you Mom!