Middle of the End. Is it Time to Say Goodbye, Substack?

I’ve been trying to say goodbye to Substack for a few months now and have felt envious to those that have, to be honest.

This will have errors. More than a few. I don’t care. Yet I do.

Shrinking world

My world has become smaller in the past few years, and I am starting to see that. I looked for community here. I’ve avoided many in person connections for a few years now.

I am thankful for those I’ve met and connected with here. Yet, I’m never really sure who is real or not. Online there is no true way to know.

The vulnerable post that I deleted

I recently posted a poem about my struggle with body dysmorphia and aging and the constant comparing I’m doing. It isn’t always this way but lately I’m in a loop of OCD comparison.

I’ve hidden that part of myself because of shame. I received a troll comment about how women are vain and it’s our downfall. This goes beyond vanity - but I refuse to explain.

This comment was after it took me a few months to get the courage to post this.

You triggered; you won.

Aging

Growing old is scary. My dad didn’t live to be much older than I am now, and I think that’s where my fear is coming from.

I saw my mom become a widow close to my age too. I saw her grieve. I had to be strong. I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to see my dad being taken down by an aggressive cancer. None of us did, mostly not him. We had no control over that.

Growing Old

I didn’t get to see my parents have that experience. I hope with every fiber of my being my husband and I get to experience growing old together. Nothing is guaranteed in life.

Recent medical issues I’ve had that have affected mobility have made it more difficult. As an active person it has been devastating. I can’t help to see a downward decline. I keep fighting though.

What’s next with writing?

I have so much writing in drafts, and I’m not sure if I will share them or keep that with me. I am removing some as it is to save offline.

My book.

The slow process of editing is making me want to give up. I won’t though.

I hope to announce it here when published. For now, I don’t see an end in sight with that process.

Substack has changed.

I keep denying that. I keep looking at numbers and I shouldn’t. I try to stay in my lane and not compare but I can’t stop.

Social media is not the healthiest place for me now.

How will I sneak away?

I’m not sure. I will start by limiting time here. That is the first step.

The real relationships are the ones in front of us. I need to pay more attention to them.

It can be so easy to avoid in fear of pain, yet it hurts us in the end. It’s hurting me.

It’s not going to be an easy break, but it’s a start.