Life is how we live, not how we die - the movie of our lives

My husband Mike and I on vacation in the “wilds” of Wyoming

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*Trigger warning and spoiler for “Into the Wild.”

The other day I saw an ode written for Chris McCandless from Into Wild by

John Brown

. surfingwriter.substack.com/p/supertramp-… That inspired this article.

I watched this movie years ago and it haunted me. When I saw the title of the post it triggered me again. I decided to delve into the reason why it struck me to my core

Spoiler alert

My first thought was of his horrid death at the end of the movie. I remember watching the movie and feeling the agony of his suffering. Was it the empath in me that could feel his pain? Could I feel like I was alone in the old bus in rural Alaska with no help. Is that my biggest fear…dying alone?

I Googled info about Chris. It described how he died, and it traumatized me. I remember hearing about him on the news many years ago when his body was found. Why was someone living alone in the Alaskan wilderness and how did he end up dying alone in an old, discarded school bus? He was 24 years old, only a year older than me! My mom told me a week later the authorities had finally identified him. It was even more disturbing that he was my age and from a suburban middle-class family. “He was crazy” my mom said. Somehow that made it ok. That couldn't happen to myself or anyone else I knew.

Who was Chris McCandless?

Who was Chris McCandless really? Was he crazy? I watched the movie, and some believed he was a schizophrenic. Maybe. Did they see how he lived his life? The connections he made with those he met on his journey? That, in the end, he found peace in nature and hopefully with himself? I will watch this again, but not the end. I will stop short of that. There was so much to his life then how he died.

Am I like Chris in some ways? I figured I was the polar opposite of him. Now, I'm not so sure. Is it my fear that I will be alone and misunderstood? Is it that I could see in Chris what I didn’t want to see in myself that triggered me? I think it is. As different as I tell myself I am from him. It scares the hell out of me. We need to look at what scares us the most sometimes. We can sometimes see it reflected in others as much as we don’t want to.

Surprise!

According to this from a Google search, we have the exact same personality type and exact enneagram! You can take it with grain of salt. He needed people (like I do) and yet I thought we were very different, but we were alike. Is that what scares me? Those parts of myself I hide from the world?

Facing my own mortality

My Dad wasn’t much older than me when he passed. It will be 26 years next month since he passed, and my mind still reviews his final days.

I anguish over my parent’s deaths. My mom. I wasn't’ there when she passed. Her last moments were almost 15 years ago. Yet I replay them.

I need to remember how you lived, not how you died

Mom and Dad, I couldn't save you. No matter how hard I try to rewrite in my mind. It has tortured me for years and it’s time to put it to rest. There was nothing I could have done. I need to remember how you lived not how you died.

My mom and dad

My own mortality

I am facing my own mortality each day that goes by. Also, the people I love. When it is time, I think it is much less scary than what we can conger up in our minds. We could spend our whole lives wondering how it will end, those few seconds, and miss the beauty of our lives.

Our movie of our lives

For now. I am here. It is the beginning of a beautiful October morning. It’s just the pets and me. Our son just left for school. We talked about music while he waited for the bus, we are so proud of the person he continues to become. I feel peace in the moment. All we have is now and memories of the past. WE can choose what we remember. Replay the happy moments of our movie of life.

Some of my happiest moments in my life movie

My brother, Mom, myself and sister at Beach Haven NJ in the 1970’s. Our happy place

My son Evan and I having fun on the beach

Mike, myself and our son a few years ago on vacation

My Dad and I. So very long ago

My beautiful mom, sister and I in 2004. I miss you mom!

' Mike and I. The love of my life. We’ve been through so many seasons together

Jane Deegan 10/11/24

co-edited my Mike Deegan

What are your happiest moments in your life?

Do you feel like you have a supporting role in your life or are you the star?