Welcome to my blog page!
It’s not easy to take that first step. That's what I’m doing today as I start my 1st blog ever.
Perfection is something I’ve dealt with my whole life. Sometimes, you just have to move ahead and, in this case, write and leave it go. Let go of the perceived judgment I could face, the catastrophizing and most of all my own inner critic which can drive me to improve or paralyze me at the same time.
Why make a blog about menopause?
So, I’m writing a blog on menopause? My husband looked at me in horror when I mentioned that my subtitle would contain the word, gasp, menopause. This is not a blog about hot flashes!! Menopausal transition is so much more than the multitude of physical symptoms. The embarrassment needs to stop from this midlife transition that currently affecting 27 million women. If we are lucky enough to have the gift of life and make it to midlife, then we will go through it.
In my blog I’m not talking about the physical symptoms but the emotional aspects of this transition. It is about the re-evaluation of your life, realizing what no longer serves you, letting go of old ideas and deciding what to carry with us as we make this transformation. When you start to see the other side of maturity, it can be empowering. There is a process of getting there, and you are not alone.
My journey started unexpectedly during the pandemic
My own journey started in July of 2020, a time when our world reeling from the Covid-19 Pandemic. My pet sitting business was slowly recovering after the shutdown. There was still so much uncertainty with Covid, and life as we knew it was forever changed. One night after dozing off on the couch, I woke to the words of a newscaster. “Covid-19 cases are rising, and deaths tolls have jumped.” His words of doom echoed in my mind. My heart started pounding. I ran to the bathroom, feeling nauseous. I started to feel dizzy and sweaty. I thought I was dying. I laid on the bathroom with my head on the cold floor until the feeling subsided. I was sure I had what I feared, Covid. A few long minutes later, I started to feel better, and I went to bed. The waves of panic would continually wash over me durint the next few days. I was afraid I was really sick. My family Dr. assured me that the symptoms I had weren’t consistent with Covid and sounded more like anxiety but to monitor my symptoms. I needed to talk to someone, so I called our church co-pastor. It was so reassuring hearing her voice. I told her about my alarming symptoms. She got quiet for a moment and asked pointedly “Jane, how old are you?” “I’m 51…” I told her, trailing off. It made sense now! I realized I skipped a month or two of my period at least. Having panic attacks and anxiety are little talked about perimenopausal symptoms I would soon learn. My hormonal changes were making it more difficult to tolerate the stressful changes in the world and in my life.
Anxiety and people pleasing
Over the past few years, I encountered other challenges. My husband, Mike, was in a bad cycling accident later in July 2020. I dove into my pet sitting business and took every client I could so he could recover from his injuries. I was working 24/7, and when I wasn’t working, I was running the household and shouldering other responsibilities. Mike recovered and was able to return to work, but soon after the world shut down again. Life was once again put on pause until the pandemic restrictions lifted, and I was off working 24/7. My life was unbalanced, to the point I would collapse on my bed and not sleep, just darkness, and I would wake up disoriented and head back to running my business. I eventually hit burnout, and even though I recovered, I went back to my regular schedule and hit burnout again. It wasn’t until January 2023 that the full impact of burnout hit me, I realized one day I could not get up and I felt as if something was pulling me down.
Around that time, I started feeling insecure about my body and was shocked to see I gained 25 lbs. I had always been thin, but the stress (and stress eating) and the hormonal fluctuations of menopause had brought on the body change. I decided I needed to drastically change this. I started working out. I would skip lunch and go for a jog, and it felt powerful. I felt again that I had control of my changing body and world. I would run and my knees would occasionally hurt, but I continued to run anyway. I was running away from the pain in my heart. I didn’t know why the pain was there or where it came from, but it was hitting me from all directions. I had lost several pounds and was feeling proud of my fitness level until March 23rd of that year. I was walking with a friend, and my knees started to hurt. I decided to call it a day. My knees started to swell, and I told myself that this was nothing a weekend off, rest and ice couldn't fix. A few days later, I forced myself to exercise, but the pain had me stop. I decided to listen to my doctor and rest a few weeks and take an ant-inflammatory med. Two weeks passed with no change; I received my first diagnosis of knee bursitis. A month later, I had the diagnosis of Osteo-arthritis on both knees and an inoperable meniscal tear. Disbelief and then despair followed. I was angry at the world, angry at myself for allowing this illness to progress. I was grieving a chronic illness that was affecting every area of my life, including my business. I had sunk into a deep depression.
Writing can be therapeutic.
During those challenging days last year, I started to write as therapy for myself. It helped me get all my feelings out on paper, and it was putting me in touch with a part of myself that I had buried for many years. My love of writing had somehow got put on the backburner due to life. It was now my time. I noticed how there weren’t any filters when I poured out my feelings on paper and how it helped me discover my authentic self that I have been trying to hide for so long.
My posts reflect midlife challenges we face daily as women, especially during menopausal transition. This is also a part of my healing and self-discovering process.
Please join me on my journey as I continue to navigate this new territory of my life.
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Lovely