I cried in physical therapy today (sort of)

When it all gets too heavy and it's not physical weights

Photo by Fa Barboza on Unsplash

Delayed grief.

Yesterday, I went to counseling appointment. Sometimes the emotions uncovered in a therapy session can take a day to process and then they hit at an unexpected time.

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Today was the day, that my burried emotions decided to show up. It happened during my physical therapy appointment! When I started my resistance band exercise. The physical therapist said. “Jane, you are really shaking today.” I was surprised. It was unusual for me to shake unless it was the end of a session and my muscles were tired

I was shaking and I couldn't stop. I tried to hide the shaking and told myself to relax, but I couldn't.

She asked if I ate, I did. She asked if I had low blood sugar or blood pressure. I said sometimes. I knew that wasn't it.

She tested my blood pressure and it was normal.

I could feel myself unraveling

You can hide emotional distress only so long before it eventually comes out. Your body knows before your mind does if you are feeling emotional pain

I told her that it was stress and it all hits at once sometimes. She understood and said they were there if I needed anything.

I nodded, fighting the tears

I powered through the exercises, but I felt disconnected from it all. She could see it too. Sometimes you can't keep going and you need to hit pause

She worked on my neck and shoulders while I rested on the table. The longer I lay there the more painful emotions and memories crashed over me. Tears snuck out of the sides of my eyes. I asked for a tissue. I would've let loose and cried but luckily there was a client on the next table.

The past can hurt. There were a few wolves in mine. The wolves were hiding in plain sight dressed as sheep. The ones that were supposed to be authority figures that we trust to help, but don't. Instead they hurt, they destroy. It could be 40 years ago or 40 days ago but it still hurts. It doesn't matter how many years go by, the pain is under the surface and eventually comes up.

Today I will give myself grace. I can cry. I can be angry. I don't have to forgive them. They don't deserve it. I know it will help myself to forgive, but I can't. Not today anyway. It is all part healing to process the pain and there is no easy way or “right way” to navigate it.