Did you have a "Tiffani" in your life?
It's all about comparison.
*This was one of my first posts on Substack. April 2024*
Have you ever met a “Tiffani”? She was someone that seemed to have it all together. She was pretty, smart and successful. I knew several in fact, and one was actually named Tiffani.
The first “Tiffani” I met was when I was 5 years-old at a summer camp. She was cute and blonde and wanted to be my friend! She was a whole year older than me, and I looked up to her. I looked forward to seeing her next year at camp.
Being outside of the “in-crowd”
The next year at camp I was disappointed. Tiffani had her own posse of friends, and she seemed to ignore me. I felt like the invisible brown-haired girl. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t want to be my friends. They all had long hair and were cute. At only 6 years old, I wanted to be like them. I silently sat behind them during one of the camp movies. They all tossed their hair over the back of their chairs. Tiffani’s was long, blonde and luxurious. I slouched down in my seat so that my short, straight brown hair would go over the back of the chair, but it didn’t have the same effect.
I would see Tiffani every year at camp and each year it became more apparent how different I was from her. The girls wanted to be like her, adults seemed to admire her, and later all the boys noticed her. I was the shy, skinny, child who was also sensitive and creative. It was sad that I didn’t think I was enough because I was different from her. Why did I feel I needed to be someone else? Was the world around me telling me I had to fit into that mold?
How did those feelings start and why did I compare myself to others?
How did those feelings start? Was it certain adults whom I felt compared me to others? Some grown-ups would say, “Well, she’s older for her age.” The tone I perceived was that my quirky-tomboy self was not enough. I've heard that enough times as a child that I internalized it.
There were other “Tiffani’s” in my life. My cute cousins, who were always nicely dressed, talented and didn’t play in the dirt or climb trees (at least while I was there). The homecoming queen that you couldn’t hate because she was so nice and a friend to all. The cheerleader from church in 6th grade that always smiled everywhere she went.
As the moody brown- haired girl, I knew I could never be like them.
Myself on the far right with my beautiful sister and two of our cute cousins. I see this photo now with new eyes now. We are 4 girls standing for a photo and have our own versions of a smile. The end.
It's OK to be the unique person you were meant to be.
I have to ask myself as an adult, whose standards were they anyway? As a child I could blame the adults and media, but as an adult myself, I know better. I need to listen to how I talk to myself.
If I were to talk to my 6-year-old self, I’d tell her the very reasons why she was not like “Tiffani” is what made her special. I’d ask her, “Does she have your ability to write? Is she able to see both sides of a situation and be a mediator? Can she climb to the top of a tree like you can? Do pets seem to have peace around her and be drawn to her?” I’d tell 6-year-old Jane that it was OK to be the unique person she was meant to be.
Have my “Tiffanies” gone away now that I’m an adult? Not really. It is easier now to find “Tiffanies” on social media now more than ever. You know the ones that seem to have perfect families, take expensive vacations, successful careers, and perfect houses. You’re only seeing a snippet of their lives. You don’t see them at 4 am getting up with a sick child, the fight they had with their partner or the bad day they had at work.
AI image
I hate those social media posts! Yet I scroll and feel like the girl alone at the lunch table.
I'm guilty too!
I’m guilty at trying to be a “Tiffani” too on social media. I post filtered photos at times. You don’t see me at 5 am with my hair in tangles after having a heat flash. You don’t see me driving in socks because I stepped in dog poop. You don’t see me crying in my office because running a business can be difficult sometimes. You don’t see that burnt chicken because I forgot to turn on a timer. That's what is real, and we need to let others see those parts of ourselves. If we, myself included, keep comparing ourselves and hiding our true selves, we will miss being our authentic selves and appreciating our own joy!
Me! Filter vs nonfilter. Guilty!!
Who will be us if we are busy trying to be someone else?
It would be a boring world if we were all the same. If we spend so much time trying to be someone else, then who is going to be us? How will we cultivate our own uniqueness that make us who we are? We are the only ones that can figure that out! I think giving gratitude to what’s in front of us is a start.
So be you and not a “Tiffani”, unless that’s your name of course.
Never knew many Tiffani’s but plenty like them. Just wrote a poem about that, but I haven’t posted it yet. I’ve never had a ton of friends, in fact, almost none in general. I’ve never been popular or felt like I had it all together, and as an adult, my house is full of fun stuff but it’s never neat, spotless or orderly. I’ve had a life of ups and downs, but I’ve never covered that up. I suppose I cared when I was younger, but not a lot now. I don’t have to put on airs for anyone. It’s a lot easier that way.
I can relate to this so much!