Afternoon Anxiety - Raw Writing
You can't keep running
Afternoon Anxiety. Why do you grip me?
For the past few weeks, this feeling of fear and dread have been gripping me. It seems to strike out of nowhere. I notice it seems to follow a pattern of it hitting me during the week between 2 and 3 pm.
Why this bewitching hour?
Is it low blood sugar? Fatigue? My circadian rhythm?
Today, I finally realized why this was happening. I asked myself. How was this time of day different from the rest of the day? I knew the answer. For this hour in the mid-afternoon, it is usually a time I can catch a breather, and my house is temporarily quiet. This hour is sandwiched between my busy morning and midday pet sitting visits and the second half of my day.
During this lull there is nothing to occupy my mind. My mind also has time to worry about the second half of my day ahead of me.
Why is it so scary being alone with my thoughts?
I don’t really know. Is it because, most of the day I am rushing? Is it because I am distracting and pushing my worries aside? Is it because I’m moving full steam ahead and I don’t have time to think? Is it because I’m avoiding my fears, and worries with busyness instead?
Is it my self doubts, as a woman? Is because of it the mistakes I have or could possibly make? Is it that I don’t feel like I’m enough?
What are my biggest fears?
What is my biggest fear next to losing those closest to me? Being alone. Really alone. Yes, this introvert that craves time to daydream and solitude is deep down inside afraid of being alone. Afraid of being alone with my own thoughts. Afraid of being forgotten about. Afraid of being helpless, old and sick and not knowing my name. Afraid of having no one left will know my name or care. My fear of being abandoned has been at my core as much as I hide from it.
Escaping myself
I’ve been using busyness to self soothe. Scrolling my phone instead of facing my fears. Working extra hours on my business when I could be relaxing. Refreshing my feed on social media instead of trying to make in person connections. Instead, I numb. I avoid and life is slipping me by.
Soon my son and husband will be home, and the evening rush will start. I’ll make dinner, catch up on laundry, do some office work and drive our son to activities. Our pets will need to be cared for as well and I’ll forget about this anxious moment, until 2pm tomorrow when life slows down again.
I would like to make an unsolicited suggestion, Jane. You might get some well-deserved relief by meditating during the time from 2:00 to, say, 3:00. If you are new to meditation, it's a way of finding your center, relaxing, getting in touch with your inner true self and your feelings.
Sit in a quiet place where there are no distractions. Close your eyes, breathe in and out, concentrating on each breath. Quiet your mind, imagination, and emotions. Quiet all outside noise and relax and be in the silence. Let the silence grow, be a part of the silence --that is where your feelings are and your knowing self.
Namaste, Jane.
I experienced similar feelings myself. I am also an introvert and treasure my alone time. But when I think of losing my family and friends around me anxiety often times overwhelms. But during those times, would helps me is focusing on God and how he never leaves my side. Sending you much love and empathy.✨💖✨